Thunder Underground: Info and Results

[Badnik96]

The following teams/robots must declare configurations to their opponents by Wednesday at 11:59 or risk forfeiting:

Badnik: Immolator, Night Slasher
Trihunter: Runaway Rabbit
Wolf: Avast!
Noah: Mean Bean Machine, D13, MURDERFACE, Tongue of the Fatman
Billy: Darwinian Predator, Mecha Shapeshifter, Dardanera
Gabe: Endless Clowns, Ritual
TBR: Violent Storm
Jack: Mania
Laz: Hoarfrost, Krakatoa, Hellcat, Hellhound
Maxi: Need For Spin, Cookie Cutter
HFL: Bone Hurting Juice, Trustfall, Manglerfish, T-Pose
Alex M: Blood Diamond, Abyss
Rocket: Tabor
Shaba: Death Metal
TCRR: Tiny Torque, Convict, 8 Wheels of Terror
Superbomb: Nightshade
Noisy: Vertigo
Rinzler: Wasp
Wham: Cthulhu's Creation
Jules: TRiP

Week 6 matchups are assigned on the spreadsheet:

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/ ... sp=sharing

ALL RPs MUST BE SUBMITTED THROUGH THIS FORM:
https://forms.gle/taC9ppAy1jYbbAxH8

any RPs posted on the forum will not be counted or read.

Good luck everyone!

[Badnik96]

Week 1
(results are incomplete for now. keep an eye on this thread)

Featherweights

Galactic Terror vs LARGE
I gotta say it really doesn’t look like the omnis are touching the ground – I’ll give benefit of the doubt there because I’m not an asshole, but frog is still right in that generally speaking h-drives have all/most of the wheels on omni, not just the strafing ones. Regardless the first few hits are a clusterfuck anyway since neither of you invested in control at all.

Despite all my complaining in the previous paragraph GT does manage to connect solidly with a wheel, ripping out a large chunk right before it and BIG both go flying from the hit. Neither of them are really showing any damage as they line up slowly for the next one…

HEFTY HIT THERE KENNY as GIGANTIC and Galactic Terror fly away once more, GT going well up into the air and spinning a tad bit off-center. Looks like SPACIOUS got in a nice uppercut to one of the weird floppy top teeth GT has going there. So now SIZABLE is flopping about on about 1 and 2/3 of a wheel and GT is going around with 2 ½ of a weapon, as they face off once more. And again Galactic terror gets lucky with the hits. It really just looked like a clipping shot, but it again ripped out a sizable portion of the left side wheel as the two bots fly away from the impact, and CONSIDERABLE is really looking worse for wear – every time it tries to move it slaps it flops about wildly due to the fact that it has about half a fuctional wheel on the left side. This is also making spinning up hard, and GIANT eventually taps out after another hit from GT sends it flying once more.

Your winner, by KO in 1:12, is Galactic Terror!

Evo vs Bone Hurting Juice
I have no idea if evo is using the bar and HFL gave me a 10 yard long dissertation on why exactly spinning into your opponent’s spin direction is a good thing with a max reach blade. Honestly though, Evo is wider than you are HFL and reaches to the edges of his body, so you’re at best about the same length.

Really what we have here is a fucking Marth vs Marth mirror, and the first hit sees both bots violently convulse backwards as Evo’s weapon bar splits in two and Bone hurting juice’s weapon belt goes flying off of the bot. it turns into a pushing match from there, and nothing too notable happens – Evo has the advantage of those weird fork horn things on the front letting it get in shoves sometimes, especially when the half of the bar still around is under the bot instead of getting in the way up front. BHJ does its best to get the weapon bar underneath its opponent and succeeds a few times, but it really just leads to more head-to-head pushing matches that it tends to lose when its rounded glances off the slightly flatter evo, preventing it from getting traction, but at least allowing HFL to angle back into his opponent and push him away.

Aggression: 3-2 Evo
Damage: 3-2 Bone hurting Juice
Control: 3-2 Evo
Your winner, in a judge’s decision that honestly could have been a coin flip, is EVO!

Pizza vs I Can't Believe It's Not Tanto
The match starts, and Pizza tries to spin up, with its back pointed squarely at its opponent. Unfortunately, within seconds, I Can’t Believe It's Not Tanto!™ has already gotten under it. Pizza uses the small amount of energy in the blade to skip slightly to the right before being slammed into the wall at an angle. I Can’t Believe It's Not Tanto!™ pushes Pizza into a wall and pins it there for a few seconds before letting go. Pizza tries to get up to speed, but I Can’t Believe It's Not Tanto!™ comes in and hits it while it spins up. Pizza sends itself about a third of the way across the arena, coming to rest facing Not Tanto’s rear.

Pizza again tries to get up to speed again, with slightly more success. It goes flying up the wedge from the impact, taking a small piece of tread off Not Tanto’s wheel while slipping off the other side. Not Tanto, though slightly hindered by the loss of tread, is able to turn to meet Pizza’s hit with the wedge…

BANG! The two are thrown apart violently as Pizza just catches the side of Not Tanto’s wedge. Pizza comes to rest near the center of the arena. Not Tanto is flipped over with a sizeable gash in the side of its wedge. Not Tanto lurches toward Pizza as Pizza tries to get spun up again, and Pizza lands on the killsaws, the bar angled slightly to the side. Sparks fly for a bit, and Not Tanto comes back in and slams Pizza against the wall, this time keeping Pizza on the wedge. The rest of the fight ends up with Not Tanto pushing Pizza around, and Pizza being unable to spin up fully before each slam. With 30 seconds left, Pizza tries to springboard off the wall, causing the bar to violently flex. After one more push from Not Tanto, the buzzer sounds, and the judges have a rather easy decision to make.

Damage: Pizza 2 3-2
Aggression: I Can’t Believe It's Not Tanto!™ 4-1
Control: I Can’t Believe It's Not Tanto!™ 4-1

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Tanto wins via a 10-5 Judges Decision!

Violent Storm vs Hoarfrost (week 1)
Both bots start out aggressive and meet each other head-on. Hoarfrost easily gets the upper hand as it wedges under VS and flips it cleanly over onto its back. Laz doesn’t even give VS a chance to self-right on its own and it kindly assists in the matter. VS is back upright and retreating to regroup, but Hoarfrost isn’t giving him much time. The bots meet face-to-face again and the same thing ensues; VS ends up on its head again and the rest of the match is pretty much wash, rinse, and repeat.

Damage: 5-0 Hoarfrost
Aggression: 3-2 Hoarfrost
Control: 4-1 Hoarfrost

Hoarfrost wins by 12-3 Judges’ decision!

Mean Bean Machine vs. Octopus Has No Friends:

All right, in the red square we have Mean Bean Machine, and in the blue square we have Octopus Has No Friends. Man, we’re already starting on a low note with these names, aren’t we?

Anyway, Octopus spins up and lumbers out of its square… holy shit how did you even gear that low? The spiral pattern on the wheels isn’t even doing a Hypnodisc impression! Mean Bean Machine, on the other hand, does, uhh, I guess a Chaos 2 impression or something because it’s around the side, pushing against Octopus’s wheel with its plow raised. Octopus turns around, though, and gets some contact with the back side of its blade, but it isn’t able to really bite in before Mean Bean backs off and goes for its side again. There’s another swing around from Octopus – ooh, and this time it gets a solid hit, bitch-slapping MBM’s arm down into the floor! There’s a notch in the top of the plow now, but MBM’s undeterred and stays on the attack.
Octopus is getting a few decent hits in, but it’s pretty much all MBM in terms of aggression and control here. It can’t really do much to the tall spinner, though: even from the side it’s just such an awkward shape to try to shove around. Octo Expansion gyros a little bit, but it can’t seem to get past the plow of MBM since it keeps getting raised in the air. Noah does pay the price for this when Octo swings around the OTHER way and catches the plow’s edge and punts the bot onto its back, but it’s far too sluggish to be able to exploit the opening. Meanwhile said plow is I think mounted on leaf springs instead of a normal lifting arm, so even when it gets hit it’s working almost the same way Octopus’s enormous wheels do against other spinners. About two minutes in Octopus gets a really good hit on the corner that causes one of the plow mounting arms to come loose, but Eenie Meanie Greenie Beanie is still able to raise it lopsidedly in the air, and continues ramming and shoving Octo around.

And the fight’s over, with MBM only really taking damage to its lifter. The plow’s face is badly scuffed up and has several deep notched in the top in addition to one of the three arms being disconnected. The entrapping shell’s also split in half despite not taking a direct hit. Octopus, on the other hand, has… some wheel tread missing from going over the killsaws. And one of the support arms is bent, but I think it might’ve been like that before the fight started.

Judges’ Decision:

Damage: Mean Bean Machine 2, Octopus Has No Friends 3
Aggression: Mean Bean Machine 4, Octopus Has No Friends 1
Control: Mean Bean Machine 3, Octopus Has No Friends 2

Your winner, by a 9-6 Judges’ Decision, is Mean Bean Machine!

Nikkousen vs Botched Lobotomy
Nikkousen first rushes to Botched Lobotomy before sandwhiching it. As Botched Lobotomy tried to strafe sideway while spinning up, it gets propped upward as Soryuu catches to the direction where the blade is spinning. However, it does get a serious gash to the side, as well as a bit of gimped performance. Hiryuu then flips Botched Lobotomy as it lands, throwing it far and causing it to shake from being destabilized, before Nikkousen hits it, overturning it but also dealing serious damage to both bots, though both are still functional.

As it tries to self right, Nikkousen bullies it despite the damage and prevent it from doing so, before stuffing it against the wall. Botched Lobotomy then tries to self right, only to be pushed again. This keeps happening until Botched Lobotomy doesn't have the torque anymore, meaning it can't self right.

Winner: Nikkousen by KO (1:39)

Leviathan vs. Little Labyrinth

It's the battle of the unconventional designs as Goatboi and Asterisk!Straddle take on Noisey and Aggressively 2005-Emo Painted Spinner, and the battle starts much as it means to go on: stupidly. While Goat is able to predict Noisey's strategy, prediction doesn't always entail being able to do anything about it, and with the robot having serious issues with traction it's struggling mightily to get anywhere and actually engage with its weapon. Of course, the herky-jerky movements of the thing mean that Little Labyrinth's struggling to engage with it as well, as it keeps hopping and bouncing just out of reach of LL's weapon. Right up until it doesn't. LL is eventually able to corral the flailing overhead spinner and get a thumping good hit onto one of the wheels, and while it doesn't do any actual damage it sends Levi skidding across the arena like a tazed snowboarder. Levi crashes into the wall, and it's just about able to reset before LL comes in again and gives it another tremendous whack across the wheels. This goes on for the rest of the match, broken up only momentarily when Goatboi gets one good weapon to weapon hit and bounces skyward. This is about the only bit of actual damage to happen in the fight. Cease is called and the judges prodded into wakefulness.

Aggression: Little Labyrinth 3 - 2 Leviathan
Damage: Leviathan 3 - 2 Little Labyrinth
Control: Little Labyrinth 5 - 0 Leviathan

Your winner, by 10-5 decision, is Little Labyrinth!

Spinnerfood vs. Post Traumatic Stress:

Oh boy, another HUGE Clone. Only this time, with… vertical flails. Great. Although, it’s fighting a cage spinner, Post Traumatic Stress, which could be vulnerable to overhead attacks… if Spinnerfood ever actually attacks it. So far, it’s running away… running… running…

Okay, for those of you watching on YouTube instead of the live stream, you can skip the first minute of this match, up to where Spinnerfood messes up and gets caught. Spinnerfood lost at least one flail in the exchange, and more importantly its left wheel and axle pulled completely out of its chassis from the sideways impact. Sigh… friends don’t let friends use setscrews in robotic combat.

This of course leaves Spinnerfood stuck on one wheel, and said wheel flexes so much under the robot’s weight that it’s basically parallel with the ground, and not moving it effectively. The weapon’s also now disabled because of the arena floor getting a little too intimate with it, aand… now the entire bot’s disabled after PTS gets a hit of the chassis.

Your winner, by knockout in 1:59 (and about two seconds of actual fighting) is Post Traumatic Stress!

OTSC vs RipTide

So Riptide comes into this fight sporting its "longboard" wedges, which YSM wasn't quite expecting, but it doesn't seem to have changed their strategy as they rocket out of the starting square as the fight begins. Monsterworks is prepared for an attempt at angling in, but said attempt never comes as OTSC charges straight at Riptide. The middle of the forked wedge does go between the longboards of Riptide, but said longboards easily slide under the gaps in the brick's wedgelets and feed said middle fork right into Riptide's drum.
The impact throws OTSC back, causing a perfect form double backflip, but the wedge looks fine aside from a few scratch marks from the impact. Riptide is quick on chaining the attacks and once again wedges under the front wedge. However, this time OTSC wisely j-hooks backwards and looks for an opportunity to either wedge under or push.
This opportunity comes quicker than expected, with Riptide gyrodancing juust enough for OTSC to shove its wedge under the front corner of Riptide and start pushing. The side part of Riptide's drum skitters meaninglessly against the wedge, slightly popping Riptide up and making it difficult for both bots to control the push. Riptide does quickly free itself, but in the struggle bots bots end up near the corner. With a cheeky angle and a lucky break, OTSC manages to get under Riptide's long wedges and finally manages to push them into a corner.
After a max length pin, Riptide is finally released and immediately gets their drum pointed at OTSC. This time YSM goes for an angle attempt, but the spacing of their own forked wedge doesn't allow it, and Riptide gets another fling upwards. This time OTSC lands with its flat wedge down. Riptide attempts to follow up on the hit and it met with only a few sparks before YSM's bot escapes and resumes pointing their now flat wedge at the Monsterworks bot.
Surprisingly, OTSC has a better time with the flat edge of the wedge down, now able to angle in and somewhat negate those long forks on Riptide. Of course they don't get under every time, but there are a few occasions where they manage to wedge under and push. Unfortunately Riptide is mostly able to avoid the hazards they're being pushed into with some smart driving, j-hooks and occasionally winning the wedge war and getting hits off on OTSC's wedge that cause nothing but pretty sparks and a brick flying through the air.
Aggression: OTSC 4-1 Riptide
Damage: OTSC 1-4 Riptide
Control: OTSC 3-2 Riptide

OTSC wins by a close 8-7 Judge's decision.

Chinesium vs Window Cleaner
Pat opts to, quote, "box rush with [his] wedge and tank the first blow while spinning up". He succeeds in the first part, not so much the second. Probably due to thay first hit... ehhhh... what's the word? "Mangling"? "Instantly destroying"? "Inflicting 6 base damage and 5 shock damage to"? I dunno. But it's certainly one of those, and pat's robot is certainly not moving at all.

Chinesium wins by [one-hit] KO in 0:30.

Runaway Rabbit vs TRiP
Runaway Rabbit immediately goes straight and then strafes to flip one of the wheels, outmaneuvering TRiP. However, TRiP fires it's hammer and narrowly hits the exposed side of Runaway Rabbit, who quickly backs off before the hammer hits. Runaway Rabbit then resets and try to lift TRiP from the side again, once again avoiding a hammer shot. In the third attempt, TRiP tries to fire again, but Runaway Rabbit quickly uses it's plow to tank the hit, though it gets dented at where TRiP hits it. Then, Runaway Rabbit isn't so lucky. As it tries to control TRiP again, it's able to predict the move and fires before Runaway Rabbit can escape effectively, hitting and completely smashing one of the mecanums. As Runaway Rabbit struggles to move, TRiP gets more clear shots in, ending with Runaway Rabbit immobilized as the top gets severely dented, another mecanums is lost, and smoke pours out before the internals caught fire.

Winner: TRiP by KO (1:21)

Lightweights

GPODAWUND vs Ring Destructor
So, the first part of this match is GPOADBAFKEF semi-boxrushing and then punting Ring Destructor around for a minute or so, getting its skids a bit mangled and flipping the TBR machine left, right, and centre. Then, Cassie oversteers. Cue some damage being taken. Cue said damage not being severe enough to cripple its efforts, though GPWOWEAUNG does have to be a bit more precise with its approaches with some wedge damage to worry about. Commence an other minute and a half of flipping goodness. Judges?

Aggression: 4-1 DAWGPOUND
Damage: 4-1 Ring Destructor
Control: 4-1 GWOAUNGPOD

Result: GPODAWUND wins a 9-6 judges decision

Metal 3 vs Krakatoa
No, Pat. Krakatoa does not have 10 armour. It has 12 on its plow because weapon armour is a thing. It also can box rush. Anyways, long story short is that Metal 3 gets semi-successfully box rushed. It score a couple of hits on Krakatoa's plow, but its instability and tendency to pinball makes it shoot itself in the foot in terms of getting back up to speed. Eventually, Krakatoa is able to flip it over. Its ICE engine stalls out and it's counted out ten seconds later.

Result: Krakatoa wins by KO at 1:21

Ayame vs. Mini Urchin
By some unbelievable quirk of fate, Frog was able to foresee that the fast, heavily armoured wedge was planning on a box rush. However, there's not a lot he can really do about it, other than try and keep the wedge pointed at Ayame and buy time to spin up. Ayame circles and finds an opening, but the spinner's at full speed and the flipper takes a heavy hit despite some good tactical driving. It's a nasty hit, bending Ayame's armour panel into a very interesting shape, but Mini Urchin is flung to the side as well, skittering off to the corner of the arena. Ayame's quick to recover and on Urchin like a shot, this time managing to box Urchin in and get it against the wall. Urchin dishes out a hit, but Ayame's able to stay on target and give the shellboi a flip, though it's not hugely impressive. Perhaps that earlier hit's made something go wrong with the flipper? It's not a big concern; Urchin bounces around, constantly spinning and bashing into the floor, and it can't seem to get settled before Ayame's on it again and again, smothering the other machine. It's like this up until the two minute mark, when a lucky bounce gives Urchin a bit of breathing room to spin up and reset. Ayame comes in but Urchin manages to get the wedge pointed at it and HO BOY! Ayame goes up Urchin's wedge and takes a slug from the shell right to its baseplate! Both the flipper and the spinner are sent flying, but Ayame self-rights and goes on the offensive while Urchin's still bouncing around the place. The green bot takes another weak shot but that hinders Urchin way more than it helps, and Ayame's able to get another flip off! It keeps chaining flips as the clock ticks down, but has it done enough? Cease is called, and it's going to the judges.
Aggression: Ayame 4 - 1 Mini Urchin
Damage: Mini Urchin 4 - 1 Ayame
Control: Ayame 4 - 1 Mini Urchin

Your winner, by a 9-6 decision, is AYAME

Tidal Wave 2 vs HexaVortex Gen II (Week 1)
TW starts upside down while HV starts to move in at an angle. Hii looks fearless as he approaches the 16-power FBS and the two bots meet near the center of the arena. HV does get only a slight angle on TW, but teeth still meet drum and the drum wins...well, kinda. HV gets launched and lands inverted while TW gets knocked backwards and the drum is broken off one of its mounts! It can still drive, though, and starts pushing HV around while it spins around trying to get back up on its wheels. TW has it against the wall and HV uses the wall to help it get back upright. It has a hard time getting away from TW as it tries to spin up to full speed again. TW is hounding HV as much as he can, but a tooth catches and sends TW spinning away. This gives Billy an opportunity to get HV back up to full speed and now TW is just a sitting duck. The subsequent hit rips Tidal Wave’s drum completely off and one side of the ablative shielding. It’s now smoking heavily and down to one drive motor. It barely manages to crabwalk as the ref determines that is not enough for translational movement and starts counting down.

HexaVortex Gen II wins by KO in 0:54!


Blood Diamond vs The Thieving Magpie (Week 1)
Blood Diamond first zips out, while The Thieving Magpie tries to angle in. However, Blood Diamond backs off, before going head on at The Thieving Magpie while it's trying to recover. This allows Blood Diamond to get under and flips before The Thieving Magpie can escape, lifting latter's wedge up. Blood Diamond immediately follows with another flip before it can recover. Soon, Blood Diamond constantly flips The Thieving Magpie while the latter tries to self right.

After one minute and 30 seconds of this, The Thieving Magpie succeeds and tries to recover, before attacking again. It manages to angle in on Blood Diamond and flips it, but Blood Diamond backs off before it can do so fully, lifting Blood Diamond slightly. The Thieving Magpie tries to exploit this, but Blood Diamond baits it, before countering on the attack, eventually flipping The Thieving Magpie again. This happens until the last 10 seconds, when The Thieving Magpie escapes once again and tries to angle in on Blood Diamond, but time runs out as it gets a flip.

Judge's Decision:
Damage: 3-2 Blood Diamond
Control: 4-1 Blood Diamond
Agressiom: 3-2 Blood Diamond
Winner: Blood Diamond by 10-5 decision

We Ran Out of Sandwiches vs Golden MADD
Both builders are quite confident in their creations in the pre-fight interviews – Wolf so much so that he’s leaving the forks on versus madd’s very powerful shell. There’s some positioning wars to start us off here. Drew seems to want to line up a hit into a wall, but MADD’s been given enough time to get to the center of the arena with some stalling thanks to the strafing drive. Eventually wolf says fuck it and goes in. MADD strafes to the side just the littlest bit, and this actually means he rides up the sides of the rather steep fork in the middle before both bots fly away with a violent BANG, MADD coining wildly, the hit destabilizing it – and oh! Bouncing over onto its back. It self rights quickly, but this leaves it not up to full speed as Sandwiches comes screaming back in, now with its middle fork bent down and to the right, causing it to list to one side. The two bots are still thrown apart from the impact, as they are from the next two as Madd fends off its attacker, but finds itself cornered and chased down at every turn until finally it gets a lucky bounce and is back out the center of the arena without too much coining.

Sandwiches is already in rough shape but there’s nothing to do but press on, and press on he does. He does not, however, get lucky.

Your winner, by KO in 1:46, is GOLDEN MADD!

D-13 vs. Need For Spin:

Aww… come on! Seriously? Why the hell isn’t this 6-1/2 D2s fighting as a clusterbot? What a ripoff! Yeah, I know they’d only be like 20 lb and there isn’t enough room on the driver’s platform, but the things don’t have weapons, you could totally just drive one with each ha – oh, we’re fighting?

Okay, D-13 is, disappointingly, an undercutting disc spinner, which… veers dangerously near the killsaws as it moves out of its square. They seem to be having a little trouble with the torque of that weapon system. Need for Spin’s a melty brain, which does what D-13 almost did to itself by accident, but on purpose. Both bots are up to speed, and NFS drifts menacingly across the box while, D-13 feels a need for speed and just rams straight into it. That’s a big hit, and D-13 goes sailing across the arena while NFS smacks itself into the wall. For those of you who enjoy riding in ambulances and having your stomachs pumped in the ER, here’s a fun drinking game: take a shot every time it does this.
...and we’re seven hits in, and five NFS on wall hits, so the lightweights are probably already starting to lose conciousness… except the two in the arena, which are still going strong! Also D-13’s hit the wall twice, which is kind of impressive considering it’s the one with an actual normal drivetrain. Ouch, and that’s another big hit! D-13 goes flying a way and gets a third wall impact, going up on its side and bouncing around a little. There we go, it’s back on its wheels, and spinning up again, but twirls itself around, and… oh, no, it looks like it is actually moving in circles. That’s still enough to keep up with NFS actually, though, and there’s several more big hits exchanged before it messes up the timing of crabbing around the arena. There’s a very glancing hit of disc-to-melty tooth on the side of the bot, and the rebound gets D-13’s other wheel clipped. It remains attached, but the shaft is severely bent, and now that wheel’s not moving at all. D-13 is still slowly drifting in circles, but only from the weapon torque.

Your winner, by knockout in 2:15, is Need For Spin!

Duck Stab vs This Side Down
See the joke with Trihunter's bot is that the character it's based on can flip anything upside down, except oops Duck Stab is a circle. How do you flip a circle upside down? Shaking my head to be honest family.

Duck Stab lumbers out it's starting square. This Side Down lumbers out of it's starting square slightly faster. Fast enough to catch DS by the side, at least. TSD isn't able to do much of note with one of DS' wheels on it's wedge, and it escapes after a brief stint of getting shoved around in a circle. TSD manages to get it's flipper into play the second time around, but getting doorstopped isn't striking a whole ton of fear or awe in the audience, nor the judges. This Side Down really wants to get his opponent onto the saws, but it's just not happening. On the other hand, not like Duck Stab is doing a whole ton either. It gets pot shots in, and a lot of sparks do go flying, but Boto can't seem to figure out how to crack this nut*.

After another couple of minutes of miscellenous shoving and the commentators doing damage control by saying it's "a very technical driving match", the judges submit their score.

*cough cough his wheels would have popped off in 1 hit if you based your RP around aiming for them cough cough

DMG: 4-1 Duck Stab
AGG: 4-1 This Side Down
CTL: 4-1 This Side Down

This Side Down wins by a 9-6 judge's decision.

Stream Edge vs DO NOT CROSS
Stream Edge rushes in and tries to go counterclockwise around DO NOT CROSS to hit the softer parts. However, DO NOT CROSS counters it by keeping it's armored wedge pointed into Stream Edge. DO NOT CROSS then continues to tank and harass Stream Edge with it's better control and width, while Stream Edge tries to spin around to have it's other bar hit, but DO NOT CROSS anticipates this move too. Stream Edge then tries to escape to buy time, but DO NOT CROSS is able to maneuver around to catch it despite of it's better speed, before getting Stream Edge up to it's flipper to flip it. As Stream Edge falls, DO NOT CROSS uses it to catch up and control again before Stream Edge can recover, constantly doing it until the match is less than 10 seconds left when DO NOT CROSS gets a flip OOTA on Stream Edge.

Winner: DO NOT CROSS by OOTA (2:55)


Middleweights

Killjoy vs Dragonfist.
The crusher rushes, the spinner spins up, there’s a big hit, the spinner goes flying, the crusher’s wedge looks spotless, but he has yet to corner his prey. The crusher rushes again, the spinner tries to juke but fails miserably because it has 1 fucking traction, the crusher takes another hit head-on. A few more hits, and he finally has the spinner cornered.

It is now that we should be aware of something that appears to be leaking out of Killjoy. I’m guessing it’s hydraulic fluid, given the fact that that crusher is not moving whatsoever despite having dragonfist perfectly well pinned. It goes further downhill from here – Killjoy keeps it competitive for a while, but that shock damage really adds up, and eventually the drive starts smoking and cuts from the stress of the continuous massive hits from Dragonfist.

Your winner, by KO in 1:22, is DRAGONFIST!

Immolator vs The Fast and Grabber

Both bots start moving in the fight. Immolator is going with their fork config. Anyway, The Fast and Grabber trying to get around Immolator with it's speed. But Immolator is going with 2/3 of it's weapon power to increase their mobility by reducing gyro, which shows when they try to keep their front facing at The Fast and Grabber. They are able to consistently face it's opponent, as well as move into dangerous positions for The Fast and Grabber, forcing it to both avoid as well as gun for the side. Despite of that, at one point The Fast and Grabber is able to get under a bit, but Immolator just J-hooks away before The Fast and Grabber can push it to the wall.

Then, Immolator is finally able to get what it wants when The Fast and Grabber overseers just a bit despite of it's control. Sensing an opening, Immolator angles in on the narrow wedge with it's hinged forks and get the bite as it increases the weapon to full speed, blasting the whole wedge clean off. The shock of the hit and the fall also seems to fracture the whole bot, as it falls off into several pieces and the internals get splayed about. Immolator then goes to celebrate it's victory.

Winner: Immolator by KO (1:14)

GBJ 2 vs Poised and Narrow

This match is a bit of a mismatch for Poised and Narrow. GBJ is fairly consistantly able to bully PaN around using its speed, mechanum wheels and perfect control. The drum grinds away at GBJ's dustpan but gets nothing done but throwing sparks. About 2 minutes into the match PaN gets a miracle shot that flips GBJ upside down, but all that does is change the match from the GBJ pushing show to the Poised and Narrow ramp stunts show. Sorry bud, thats my trick. I'm gonna need 50% royalties from this fight.

Aggression: GBJ 3-2 Poised and Narrow
Damage: GBJ 2-3 Poised and Narrow
Control: GBJ 5-0Poised and Narrow

GBJ 2 wins by a 10-5 Judge's Decision

Jackal vs. Convict:

Convict’s spinning up, Jackal’s coming straight in looking to stuff it before it gets the chance – oh, but jukes off to the side. The forks slip under Convict’s wedgelets a little but Convict’s no slouch in the drivetrain department and backs away. Jackal pursues – oh, and gets under at an angle again, pushing Convict back and spinning it around, which nearly flips it over! And that could be bad news, because I’m not too sure about Convict’s self-righting ability. But Convict finally gets its wedge lined up, and while Jackal’s forks get under the middle pair of wedgelets again, the disc still slams into Jackal’s top jaw HARD. The bots go flying apart, Jackal actually pitching forward and almost onto its face due to the wedges… bouncing off each other somehow? There’s a good-sized chunk taken out of the upper jaw and it looks like it’s been bent upwards a little.

Jackal continues putting the pressure on Convict, and – okay, the weapon is working it’s just that Jackal’s having a lot of trouble trying to find a place to put the hammer that won’t get it hit – and speaking of hit, this time Convict’s wedgelets prevail and Jackal goes sailing through the air. Ooh, and there’s another big hit, but Jackal retaliates by taking Convict over the killsaws, but isn’t able to hold it there for very long. It looks like Convict might have a torn-up tire, but it’s still mobile – oof, and Jackal gets sent flying again, and lands inverted. It immediately self-rights, but that’s not the fastest “hammer” out there, and Convict’s quick enough to smack it again in the side as it comes down. Jackal’s sent tumbling across the box, but the armor’s held up beautifully to that attack – there’s just a little divot in the bottom edge of the side panel.
This fight’s very close so far, Jackal doing plenty of pushing, but it just can’t seem to get an opening to get that clamp into play. Convict is gyro-ing a LOT, and Jackal isn’t settling for head-on interactions, which renders Convict’s wedgelets a lot less effective than they’d otherwise be. After taking the tip of one of Jackal’s forks it’s starts doing better, though, and is able to give the “axebot” a good duffing up and has the upper hand for much of the second and third minutes. But it weathers the assault and really has only taken minor damage – a bit of bending, honestly most of the top of the head removed at this point, and some gouges and dings out of the plow. Meanwhile Convict’s lost most of its back right tire, and one weapon belt comes off partway through, leaving the weapon not spinning up as effectively. A few wisps of smoke suggest the other belt could go if pushed too hard, but it makes it the full three minutes. This one is going to be close!

Judges’ Decision:

Damage: Jackal 2, Convict 3
Aggression: Jackal 3, Convict 2
Control: Jackal 2, Convict 3
Your winner, by an 8-7 Split Decision, is Convict!

Vovoka III vs Disposal Unit (Week 1)
Vovoka is starting dustpan up and immediately goes for the box-rush against DU. DU gets wedged, but those huge wheels of Disposal Unit do the trick and managed to climb over the anti-monstertrucking ‘teeth’. DU turns and goes for the rear of Vovoka, but Wolf’s machine can turn on a dime and DU eats wedge again, and again, Vovoka is unable to capitalize on that. So we go on-eventually, the Unit gets under the inverted dustpan and kicks Vovoka up and into its upright posistion. Vovoka goes directly for DU again and Frog tries to angle in slightly. DU matches that and slips under Unit’s forks again, but with the dustpan upright now, DU’s spinning drum catches the back of the dustpan. Both bots get kicked away from each other and Vovoka recovers first. It gets back under DU and the drum is only starting to get back to speed. Vovoka manages to stuff it this time and uses its torque to ram DU into the wall before pinning it. Vovoka releases just before the pin timer is up and resets. DU spins up and looks for an angle, but we’re down to the final 30 seconds of the match; Frog’s gonna need a really big hit to convince the judges at this point, and that big his fails to materialize-only one or two more knockbacks from the back of Vovoka’s dustpan and that’s all she wrote. This will go to the judges, but this will not be an easy decision!

Damage: 3-2 Vovoka (what little in the way of damage that was actually done)
Aggression: 4-1 Vovoka
Control: 4-1 Vovoka

Vovoka wins by 11-4 Judges’ decision!

Heavyweights

The Big Spook vs Frostburn
Gulden starts by making a beeline for the nearest corner. Gabe starts by... trying to circle him. This gives Frostburn the time to reach a corner. A bit of a stalemate ensues before the referee just starts counting Frostburn down because corner camping is a bitch move. Big Spook dances past the blade once on the wings of its sheer speed. Into the wall goes Frostburn! A pin ensues. The bots separate. Again, The Big Spook is just too fast. "Splat!" once more. Into a wall, into a corner, pin, release. This is efficient. A third hard slam nearly gets the spinner to overturn itself thanks to the gyroscopic fuckery of an angled weapon. Slam. Pin. Release. And then, The Big Spook gets caught. A pumpkin gets carved - really carved. Into pieces. Both bots are spun away, but Spook gets it a bit worse. Frostburn's up to speed. The Big Spook comes in, avoids the blade and towards the wall we go. It's a long trip, though, and Frostburn's not on there 100% securely. It slips loose and... SPLAT! Only, this time, it's the Angry Goat machine taking a beating. One side of its drivetrain is out, and it spends the next twenty seconds artfully dodging Frostburn until the inevitable happens. Welp, Gabe, you lasted more than two minutes!

Result: Frostburn wins by KO at 2:54

Hellhound vs Avast!
The fight first starts with Hellhound zipping around offset, while Avast! crawls into the wall, though it's still pretty fast for a walker. Hellhound then hooks in at Avast!, which tries to fire it's hammer, but misses. This also lifts Avast!'s whole body, allowing Hellhound to escape to prepare for another trick. This time, it goes straight, before circling around Avast!, which is unable to keep up with Hellhound. Then Hellhound tries to bait Avast! again by going straight, before reversing as it is about to enter the hammer range. This time, Avast! grazes the limit between hammer blocker and the wedge, but it doesn't cause serious damage fortunately.

However, this tactic works as the driver of Avast! gets wary. Immediately, Hellhound charges straight at it, and Avast! gets wedged as the driver frantically tries to fire the hammer and was too late. The hammer instead hits nothing and just allow Hellhound to get more purchase. Hellhound then tries to ram Avast! into the wall, while Avast! desperately keeps flopping around to free itself, but Hellhound doesn't allow it of course. It soon gets a hard wall ram, which inverts Avast! Before Avast! can self right, Hellhound goes at pushing it, and first throws it into a wall as it flops around, bending the side of the chassis. It then rams it again, this time hitting the bottom against the wall.

This seems to damage the legs, though the driver can't notice it as Avast! is still inverted. Of course, Hellhound then takes it to the saws while Avast! is upside down, which causes one of the killsaws to somehow hit all the way into the center of Avast!'s hammer, cutting the sensitive mechanism for it. Hellhound then uses a final ram to prop Avast! back, bending another side of the chassis. As Avast! tries to walk, the driver finally notices that it's unbearably slow, and not enough for it to not be counted out. Despite of this, the fight ends before the countout is over.
Judge's Decision
Damage: 4-1 Hellhound
Control: 5-0 Hellhound
Agression: 4-1 Hellhound
Winner: Hellhound by 13-2 JD.

Taskmaster V3 vs. Night Slasher:
Huh, that’s weird. According to the Tale of the Tape Taskmaster is a tracked robot, but that is really, really obviously six wheels. They even have the Harborfreight logos on the red tires. Anyway, it’s fighting Night Slasher, a sawbot from Team Ignition which has surprisingly NOT gone for the typical “14 year old’s goth OC” color scheme, by which I mean it’s black and gold instead of black and red.

Anyway, despite what I said, Night Slasher does its best to teleport behind Trackmaster as soon as the fight starts, but the ultra-wide wheelbase is making it a bit twitchy with turning inputs and it doesn’t quite pull the move off. Taskmaster almost gets under, but Night Slasher drops back a little bit and scoots forward again, and slips underneath! It immediately drops the saw, and Stairmaster’s bleeding chunks of red foam rubber on the arena floor! But it’s able to get away with the tire mostly intact. It darts off, then charges into NS, hitting one of the side forks and spinning it around with the force of the collision.
Wedge Fight? Wedge Fight. Okay, it looks like Night Slasher’s able to slip between The Abmaster’s little wedge teeth with its forks most of the time, but both bots are having a lot of trouble getting sustained pins in. Night Slasher’s getting a monopoly on damage apart from one trip over the killsaws that looks like it tore up one of its rear forks a bit. But, y’know, congratulations on being the richest guy sleeping under the bridge. Speaking of sleeping under bridges, my commentary’s probably getting this event’s YouTube stream demonetized, and I can see spectators leaving… wait, wait, Night Slasher’s got a pin! Come back! There’s sparks! There’s metallic carnage! There’s… the ref telling Night Slasher to knock it off because it’s been fifteen seconds. Okay, there’s definitely a cut in Trashmaster’s top armor, but it doesn’t seem to have affected it all. And Night Slasher wheelies, and gets wedged and shoved into the wall for it! Oh, the humanity! Oh, the carnage! Oh… okay, fine, but be back in like fifteen minutes, Chronic Jobber’s in the arena entry queue.

Night Slasher gets another pin near the end and this time gives up on trying to get through Taskmaster’s armor and just goes straight for the tires, sending chunks of rubber everywhere and pretty much destroying one of them. One down, five to go, aaand there’s the bell!

All right, time for an audience poll while we wait for the JD: should we send the cleanup crew in with brooms to sweep up this foam, or just let Pat test his hovercraft shell spinner in the main arena?

Judges’ Decision:

Damage: Night Slasher 3, Taskmaster 2
Aggression: Night Slasher 3, Taskmaster 2
Control: Night Slasher 4, Taskmaster 1

Your winner, by a 10-5 Judges’ Decision, is Night Slasher!

Nightshade vs Akoben
Akoben starts out leading with its wedged rear anticipating a box-rush from Nightshade, but NS isn’t buying that tactic. It instead maneuvers to get the powerful HS to get a shot on the left side of its plow in order to better deflect that blade upwards and cause minimal damage to the plow. Akoben changes tactics when Hoppin realizes that NS isn’t box-rushing and goes directly for him. Blade hits plow and Akoben gets sent flying up and back. Nightshade recovers quicker and chases down Akoben and proceeds to send the pink Orby clone reeling with its drum at full power. Akoben lands inverted and that self-righter is slow to get Akoben back on its wheels. Nightshade sees this and ‘helps’ with the process, but needing to do so twice. Akoben is looking worse for wear now-its weapon still functions, but one side of drive is damaged and it can only ‘gyro walk’ at this point. The plow on Nightshade looks a little loose, but its weapon and drive still work just fine. NS can avoid the weapon of Akoben a bit more easily now as it cruises in and pops the other side drive now, hoping to completely disable both wheels now. However, Akoben manages to clip a corner of the plow of NS and damages the hinges, causing that side to drag on the arena floor now. It only slightly hinders Nightshade’s drive and Akoben is only moving due to the gyro of its weapon now. NS goes in for a final pop that sends Akoben inverted and this time the srimech is no worky.

Nightshade wins by KO in 2:01!

Tongue of the Fatman vs Chemical Explosion
Tomgue of the Fatman first tries to approach Chemical Explosion, as the latter is spinning up and trying to spin tentatively. It drives carefully and tries to bait Tongue of the Fatman to make mistakes. However, Tongue of the Fatman still goes forward and tanks a hit from Chemical Explosion, before immediately flipping it. Chemical Explosion flies high and lands near the low wall bar first, gouging the floor. Before it's weapon can spin up to full speed, Tongue of the Fatman is already under, and flips it again, this time out of the arena.

Winner: Tongue of the Fatman by OOTA (0:34)

Wasp vs Vertigo 4
Wasp immediately zips in and tries to box rush Vertigo IV, while the latter is waiting. As it is about to outwedge Vertigo IV, the latter quickly turns to angle in on the main wedge and hinged forks, and it works. Vertigo IV gets pushed slightly, but Wasp is uppercut on the wedge and flipped by the disc. But even though Wasp is persistent and still tries to push away on the side of Vertigo IV even if slower, the latter manages to turn despite having a bit of gyro, and strikes the main body, popping it upward and putting a gash on the chassis. As Wasp is falling, Vertigo IV quickly approaches it and hits again before it can recover, taking off a fork from the hinge. Vertigo IV soon chains hits on Wasp in a similar manner to Cobalt vs Duck, tearing more of the chassis and then taking off a wheel. Few more hits and two more lost wheels later, Wasp is thrown out smoking.

Winner: Vertigo IV by OOTA (1:17)

Fork Bomb vs T-Pose to Assert Dominance
T-pose goes straight for the box rush from the get-go, and this match hits the ground running... up until T-pose collides with Fork Bomb. T-P just rams right in and FB is more than happy to rev up it's weapon and drop the arm down. eyyy batta batta batta SWIIING!

AAAAND a miss. Turns out T-Pose is straight up too thin for Fork Bomb to reliably clamp and hit, leaving it's opponent in a sort of gap between it's arm and wedge. Fork Bomb's wedge is just a tad too thin to remove those mechwheels from the ground, as well. Seeing this, T-pose begins doing this weird push-humping up against Fork Bomb's front chassis slope. I guess it... kinda works? The slope does cause T-pose's wheels to intermittedly skip off the ground and hinder it's ability to push, but that's not helping Fork Bomb get it's weapon into play.

T-pose pushes it's opponent to the wall. Emphasis on "push". Not slam, not "WOAH HUGE HIT THERE KENNY I LITERALLY PEED MY PANTS" or anything. Just a... calm push. Fork Bomb lets go and aims a little more carefully this time. A direct wheel hit! Oh man, little roller bits are gonna go FLYI- wait why aren't little roller bits going flying? That's weird. Ohhh wellll...

Fork Bomb repeatedly slaps T-Pose's chassis here and there, T-Pose inches Fork Bomb where it can. Both bots come out of the match with barely so much as a scratch. T-Pose's rollers are slightly loosened, but nothing a quick wrench job can't fix.

DMG: 3-2 Fork Bomb, I guess
AGG: 4-1 T-Pose, for sure
CTL: 3-2 T-Pose, I guess

T-Pose To Assert Dominance wins by a 9-6 judge's decision.

Squee-G vs Dardanera
Dardanera rushes in before it's weapon is even fully up to speed, hoping to slide underneath Squee-G and chuck it out of the arena for a quick W. It manages to get about 2/3rds of the way across the arena before Squee-G's death hum is heard, and Dardanera stops in place. Box rush? More like FAUX rush hahahahhahaahaha xd xd xd (please clap)

Squee-G skirts forward, Dard pulls back. Squee-G skirts a liiittle bit further forward, Dard decides now is the time to move in, Billy bites his lip in anticipation. Both bots make impact for a split second before immediately getting flung away.

Squee-G gets flipped backward into the corner, Dard skids around in a circle a couple times. While Squee-G took far less raw damage from the initial exchange, Dard's able to line up a follow-up hit on Squee-G's rear, caving in the plating. Squee-G spins around, tearing up more of Dard's wedge. An uppercut on one of Squee-G's wheels seals the deal on this match, with Dard's drive motor visibly smoking soon after.

Dardanera wins by KO in 1:13.

8 Wheels of Terror vs Death Metal
A lot of contrast in the designs here- you got Death Metal looking like it'd fit on the cover art of an edgy emo-metal album with it's grim reapers and angsty "KiLlEr oF wEdGeS" config name, and then you got, uh, this:
[EDIT IN A SCREENSHOT OF 8WHEEL'S FACE CONFIG]
Yeah.

8 Wheels of Doom charges forward at an oddly-positioned Death Metal. Hmmmmmmmmm, I wonder what sort of clever ruse Shaba could be pulling here? Surely she is not waiting for her opponent to draw near only for her to turn and swipe at the opponent's wheel last secon- yep that's exactly what she does. Death Metal's able to take a sizable chunk from this side of 8Wheel's plow, but proves not able to totally disable it's drive from the get-go. This is for two reasons:

1. The robot titled "8 Wheels of Doom" has, in fact, 8 wheels. Thier "doominess" is yet to be determined. Even if a few of them are torn off, 8WoD can keep on trucking for at least a little while longer.
2. 9 speed lol

Death Metal gets speedbump'd into the air, coming dangerously close to getting flung out of the arena. That's the closest this match comes to ending early, however. The rest of the match is
mainly 8wheel punting Death Metal around not unlike a hockey puck. It tries to do The Tombstone Thing[tm] a few more times, but Code's wisened up after the first time and knows to pull back momentarily before going back in. This is up until the 2:30 mark when Death Metal must've landed a critical hit or whatever, because 8wheel's plow goes from "existing" to "decidedly not existing" in an instant. 8wheel is easily able to avoid getting hit for the last half-minute afterward, but iunno if that's gonna be a good look chief...

DMG: 5-0 Death Metal
AGG: 3-2 Eight Wheels of Doom
CTL: 5-0 Eight Wheels of Doom

8 Wheels of Doom wins by an 8-7 judge's decision.

Wedge Me Once vs ICR Speedwagon
Yeaaah so this match lasts about 15 seconds. ICR Speedwagon flings Not Left (the red one) is called out of the arena immediately, and then tips Left (the white one) onto it's back. The quote "invertible" unquote wedge spins it's wheels to move except whoops the wheels don't seem to stick out the top of the robot at all. That's kinda like... a prequisite to drive inverted.

ICR Speedwagon wins by OOTA + TKO in 0:16.

Tabor vs Xtreme PneumatiX
Both bots first start by meeting in the center of the Arena. Immediately, Tabor jinks it's scoop and sideswipes Xtreme PneumatiX. But as the bot is wedged just slightly, it escapes from Tabor. Tabor however manages to reset quickly, and is on an offensive against Xtreme PneumatiX again. But the latter escapes again, and this happens for a good minute.

Then, Xtreme PneumatiX finally manages to slot in on Tabor's lifter when it tries to angle it on it's opponent again, with Xtreme PneumatiX turning to face the lifter straight on. The narrow wedgelets slip underneath, and the flipper flips Tabor. As Tabor tries to self right controllably after the flip, Xtreme Pneumatix parks under it and goes to flipping again before it can drive off. Xtreme PneumatiX soon chains the flips repeatedly, even nearly getting Tabor OOTA at one point, only for Tabor to slip.

In the last 30 seconds however, Tabor somehow manages to recover and move it's lifter underneath Xtreme PneumatiX before it can try to wedge Tabor, sideswiping it. This time, Tabor immediately lifts Xtreme PneumatiX and turns it over before it can escape, and then keeps ramming it around as it desperately tries to self right and drive inverted to escape. But Tabor rams it into the wall and nearly lifts it OOTA at one point, before the buzzer sounds to notify the match is over.

Judges Decision:
Damage: 3-2 Xtreme PneunatiX
Control: 3-2 Xtreme PneumatiX
Agression: 3-2 Tabor
Winner: Xtreme PneumatiX by 8-7 Judge's Decision

Mania vs Cthulhu's Creation
Mania first rushes in and tries to grab the side of Cthulhu's Creation, moving faster at first due to it's better torque. It then turns around and outmaneuvers Cthulhu's Creation with it's drive after few seconds of driving match, getting it's bottom forks under the side and avoiding the wedgelets as it prepares it's top forks slowly. However, Cthulhu's Creation J-hooks away and then tries to repeat it's engagement. This time Cthulhu's Creation is able to maneuver itself head on with some effort and outwedges Mania, but Mania also J-hooks. After few more seconds, Mania is finally able to get what it wants when the two bots tussle near the edge, pinning Cthulhu's Creation against the wall and getting it's top forks clamping before Cthulhu's Creation can J-hook. It then parades the bot around and take it to the killsaws and wall slam it, doing some damage. The rest of the match is mostly controlled by Mania, with occasional outwedging by Cthulhu's Creation and it being able to predict the J-hook attempt by Mania and grabs it at the last seconds as it tries to escape.

Judge's Decision:
Damage: 3-2 Mania
Control: 3-2 Mania
Agression: 3-2 Mania
Winner: Mania by 9-6 JD

Cookie Cutter vs Midas 2
It should be noted that Midas 2 has 2WD instead of 4WD. Anyway, Cookie Cutter immediately goes in for a head on while Midas 2 rushes in. Immediately, Cookie Cutter gets a quick grab on Midas 2 and doesn't drop it's saw as the clamp narrowly avoids the spinner. Instead, it controls Midas 2, who is unable to move as both it's wheels are lifted off the ground, driving it around into a killsaw and feeding a wheel there. After this, Midas 2 struggles to drive when it's dropped due to severe wheel damage from how fragile it is. As Midas 2 tries to turn to bait it while struggling, Cookie Cutter quickly grabs it in the spot where it's safe to saw, and cuts into the weapon motor easily for the whole time. Cookie Cutter finally gets a final grab, using it to disable another wheel from Midas 2.

Winner: Cookie Cutter by KO (1:32)

[Badnik96]

Week 2
(this post is a placeholder.)

Featherweight

PTS vs Chinesium
Ok im sorry but I’m not just going to let you have the perfect height for any opponent you face if you don’t bother to render it at all, and you’re not even saying your doing that you’re saying you’re able to angle it somehow nah bro not havin it.

Not really sure how much that will matter though since chinesium is functionally a midcutter anyway. Both bots do the spinny spin, both bots run at each other, big explosion, crowd cheers, repeat thrice before both weapons die. PTS is missing two tri-bar support ring things and one hammer is bent up at quite the awkward position – its weapon technically isn’t broken but trying to spin it yields… unfortunate results. Chinesium on the other hand is now missing its blade, and is stuck rotating around one tire about half the time. There’s just enough mobility in it to be considered mobile, so we get a cripple fight.

Nothing interesting happens except for the one time PTS almost gets chinesium to the killsaws. Whee

Aggression: 3-2 Chinesium
Damage: 3-2 Post Traumatic Stress
Control: 3-2 Post Traumatic Stress
Your winner, in an 8-7 decision, is Post Traumatic Stress!

Pizza vs Lockdown
Lockdown actually does a decent job in the beginning of the fight, getting a nice wall slam, and almost flipping pizza over once. Then Pizza finally manages to turn around while it’s getting shoved about and there’s a MASSIVE hit that dislodges lockdown’s lifting mechanism on the left side.

It’s still hanging onto the chassis though, and Lockdown is still moving, so he goes at it again, and again keeps control of the fight for a good while, though Pizza’s getting better about escaping the forks. Maybe gulden’s getting predictable, maybe it has something to do with the fact that Lockdown is trying to shove pizza around with a part of the bot that keeps flopping about. Pizza does eventually help Lockdown out with that floppy wedge problem by removing it completely, and things go downhill from there eventually – though even without a wedge Lockdown proves pretty wily.

Your winner, by KO in 2:34, is Pizza 2!

Nikkousen vs Runaway Rabbit
WEEB BOT FIGHT

WEEB BOT FIGHT



Both opponents unsheathe their controllers and begin the match. Nikkousen uses a secret Nippon technique to split itself in half, and they both scatter across the arena. Runaway Rabbit says the funny "nani" word and manages to catch one of them. The other swiftly rear-ends RR and pops it up about a foot or 2 at most. After gnating it a bit, RR turns around and targets the other bot instead.

RR gets the occasional wall slam, doing zilch damage. Nikko continues to pester RR from behind which, again, does nada damage. Neither robot is really able to use the killsaws to their advantage. RR manages to get one of the multibots scratched up by the saws this one time, but otherwise this turns out to be a rather boring 3 minutes of each bot shoving the other around.

DMG: 3-2 Runaway Rabbit
AGG: 3-2 Nikkousen
CTL: 3-2 Nikkousen

Nikkousen wins by a 8-7 judge's decision.

OTSC vs Leviathan
>Be a 1 speed HUGE clone vs a well-designed brick with a anti-HUGE clone config

Record scratch

Freeze frame

Gabe: Yep, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I got in this situation.
Well, me, the writer, will take it from here. Functionally, this fight is a FF, because Gabe decided to enter a 1-word RP. No, I’m not lying. But I’m not just gonna have Leviathan burst into flames or something; oh no. Since Gabe technically RPd, he’s entitled to a fight at the very least.

So, YMSHTLQ is going with the normal wedge, surprisingly. I’d say it was tempting fate, but Leviathan has 1 speed and a slightly underpowered bar for a weapon. YMSLQHTS is also starting inverted, and since his wedge works either way it actually works out better because he has more protection on the top. Anyways, OTSC opens up with a rush and an angle-in. Gabe, even with a one-word RP, probably saw that coming, but he can’t do anything with 1 speed (which might be the reason he decided to do a 1 word RP in the first place). Anyways, OTSC is already bullying Leviathan around, shoving the HUGE clone around the box. YMSLTHQ rams him hard, shoves him over the killsaws, and overall isn’t giving Gabe 1 second of reprieve! Granted, he isn’t doing damage, but he doesn’t need to in order to win this fight. Anyways, OTSC continues to dominate the fight, pushing Leviathan every-which-way. Gabe occasionally tries to swing the bar around OTSC’s wedge, but fails because he’s 1 speed.

And really, that’s all there is to this fight: “8 speed brick pushes helpless HUGE clone around”. I would go into a bit more detail, but the problem is, there isn't any details besides what I’ve already outlined. Anyways, suprise suprise, the fight went the full 3 min, let’s see how lopsided the JD is:
Aggression: 5-0 OTSC
Damage: 5-0 OTSC
Control: 5-0 OTSC
OTSC wins by 15-0 JD

Bone Hurting Juice vs Violent Storm (Week 2)

Bone Hurting Juice manages to camp behind a killsaw as Violent Storm box rushes, interrupting it. The former then keeps it's blade pointed while the latter is forced to get around carefully. A hit then happens, as Bone Hurting Juice swings it's blade to the middle of the flipper and hits one of the wedgelets in the side. But Violent Storm also flips it up. Violent Storm soon rams Bone Hurting Juice into the wall, forcing the latter to be inverted. Violent Storm then has to backoff, but Bone Hurting Juice is able to pick up some speed and hits the corner blocker, peeling it too. This process soon repeats, as Bone Hurting Juice is rammed and either being returned to it's supposed position or inverted while the motor weakens slightly more, and Violent Storm eats more hits while controlling Bone Hurting Juice, with the front looking more beaten up as the match goes. Soon in the last 30 seconds, Bone Hurting Juice is able to rip off the left corner blocker in undercutter mode, as well as the wedgelet beside it. Bone Hurting Juice immediately strikes the wheelguard, tearing it off and spinning Violent Storm around. But Violent Storm remains aggressive and rams Bone Hurting Juice again. Bone Hurting Juice then strikes the front left wheel, before being controlled by Violent Storm again as the match ends.

Judge's Decision:
Damage: 4-1 Bone Hurting Juice
Control: 4-1 Violent Storm
Agression: 4-1 Violent Storm
Winner: Violent Storm by 9-6 Judge's Decision


Evo vs I Can't Believe It's Not Tanto (Week 2)

It seems that before the match, the team behind Evo opts to upgrade their motor using some of the things they learn from their other competitive ventures elsewhere. As for ICBINT, it opts for the big wedge

When the match starts, Evo's weapon spins up very quickly and soon hits ICBINT at full force while the latter box rushes. The hit throws ICBINT away, but unfortunately Evo's weapon motor gives up as smoke comes from it. ICBINT soon bullies it away for the rest of the match despite the wedge getting a dent and gash earlier, ramming it against the wall and taking it to the killsaws. The match soon ends with a judge's decision as Evo is propped against the wall, with a wheel shredded by the saws

Judge's Decision:
Damage: 3-2 Evo
Control: 5-0 ICBINT
Agression: 5-0 ICBINT
Winner: I Can't Believe It's Not Tanto by 12-3 Judge's Decision

TRiP vs Silcrow (Week 2)

Silcrow guns it out of her corner while TRiP does the opposite; it’s just waiting for Silcrow to make the first move. Silcrow tries to get to one of the oversized wheels of TRiP, but Jules faces her bot to counter that. Silcrow then makes a sharp turn to try to ‘fake out’ TRiP, but oversteers just enough that Jules can counter and brings that powerful hammer down. Silcrow just barely escapes, retreats, then comes in again to try and flank TRiP. Jules looks like she’s gonna give Rocket a free hit on her side, but TRiP suddenly reverses direction and Silcrow overshoots! Silcrow starts backing out of hammer range and tries for the side again. TRiP won’t budge from the high wall and may not be gaining any aggression points here, but she’s just biding her time. Silcrow looks to have another opening at getting a wheel shot, but where TRiP lacks in forward motion, makes up for turning maneuverability. Silcrow’s reaction time is just a hair off this time and the hammer of TRiP finds its mark...and what a mark it makes. Silcrow stops dead in its tracks and starts smoking. Looks like it may have hit and destroyed the receiver, ouch.

TRiP wins by KO in 1:20!

Octopus Has No Friends vs Hoarfrost
Laz' plan is to be a brick with his insanely tall ABR plow. Alex's plan is to climb over that plow. Problem is, the angle doesn't work. He jumps up plenty when he hits it on the initial impact, but he doesn't jump forward enough to vault it. Naturally, Laz does what Laz does best: W0DGE. He wedges that poor Octopus to Timbuktu. He wedges it to Pakistan. It visits the Great Wall. I knew it should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque! Then, pay dirt! A particularly hard slam allows Octopus to jump Hoarfrost. Its deadly blade comes down on top of the Canadian machine spinning at... well, less than full tilt. There's some scoring and a small divot, Hoarfrost gets the hell out of the way, and we're treated to a rather tentative remaining minute, with Laz just kind of shunting his opponent around the arena and into the killsaws a few times.

Aggression: 5-0 Hoarfrost
Damage: 4-1 Octopus
Control: 4-1 Hoarfrost

Result: Hoarfrost wins a 10-5 judges' decision

Botched Lobotomy vs Darwinian Predator
While DP (yes im calling it that deal with it) does have juicy looking wheels, it also has a fuck-off lifter wedge at the front and spoiler alert: 3 speed 1 traction isn't enough to out-maneuver a 7/6 drivetrain bot. So while BL gets plenty of hits that scratch up and eventually cut into DP's wedge (minus the planned flinging away since there isn't a lot to catch on the wedge itself), nothing really sticks as they get shoved around the arena and into the killsaws multiple times.

Aggression: Botched Lobotomy 1 - 4 Darwinian Predator
Damage: Botched Lobotomy 4 - 1 Darwinian Predator
Control: Botched Lobotomy 1 - 4 Darwinian Predator

Darwinian Predator wins a 9-6 Judge's decision

Lightweight

Ayame vs Duck Stab! (Week 2)

Duck Stab wins by KO (FF)!

Trustfall vs Hexavortex
FF for Trustfall

Metal 3 vs Ring Destructor
Alright, what we have here is “generic FBS” vs “Hovercrap was a good idea!”, which means this fight will be over in one glorious hit, with parts splayed all over the place, or it becomes a cripple fight. Either way, this fight is gonna be a short one, so let’s see which way it goes!

Anyways, both bots get spun up to speed, with Metal 3 having some trouble controlling itself. -3 traction on a hovercrap = nigh impossible to control, or as Pat puts it “the drunken fist of robot combat”. Even with Metal 3’s general uncontrollableness, Pat is able to coherently control it (somewhat), and aggressively postures towards Ring Destructor. Pat mentioned trying to make “him give up in terror of what I might do” in the pre-fight interviews, but RD is equally as aggressive. Both bots are set on a collision course, with both their weapons roaring at full spe-

BAM

I predicted a glorious hit, and what a glorious hit that was! Sparks went everywhere, both bots went flying, it was quite a good spectacle. Now that it’s over, let’s take a look at the aftermath, and as I said, parts have been splayed all over the place. Metal 3’s parts, that is. The blade has shattered, the hovercraft system is broken and it’s parts thrown about the arena, and the ICE engine seems to be on fire. Ring Destructor didn’t come out unscathed, mind you. There’s a decent mark in the weapon, and it’s slowed a decent bit. But, it doesn’t matter, given M3’s current state.

Ring Destructor by KO, 0:15

GPODAWUND vs. Mini Urchin:

Okay you know what screw you, Mini Urchin wins by forfeit because I can’t spell that bullshit.

...Fine. Both bots spin up their weapons, GPODAWUND’s eggbeater doing so noticeably faster, but I’m not hearing any death hum. This thing is geared relatively low for a vertical spinner, but the drivetrain seems to makes up for it, as it’s halfway across the box by the time Mini Urchin leaves its square. It puts on the brakes and approaches Mini Urchin somewhat cautiously, however, going for the front wedge which Urchin seems to be trying to counter GWOPADWUND’s wedgelets with. There’s an attempted last-second turn, and, uhh, something hits something. There’s sparks, and both bots get knocked sideways and spun around, but it doesn’t look like either of them got a good bite.
GODPOUND’s wedge seems intact, but so does Mini Urchin’s. The eggbeater lines itself up for another go at the wedge, and this time slips under and pops Mini Urchin in the air, tipping it enough that it hits teeth-first and skitters away, coining a bit. The shell’s high up enough that there’s surprisingly little shell-to-floor contact, but it’s maneuvering’s restricted, and it takes – ouch, another huge shot that throws both bots clean across the arena! And GALAPAGOS is on its side! One wheel’s barely touching the ground, but I’m not sure it can get enough traction to throw itself onto its back. It’s trying – oh, there we go, it’s done it. But in the meantime, there’s a gash in the left wedgelet directly blow where the left weapon support’s uhh, supposed to be. I mean, part of it’s still there, but the beater’s shaft has come out of its mount. Miraculously the weapon starts spinning again, albeit a bit laboriously, but on its back like this GWPFFWFWDW has no choice but to eat a full-speed hit from Mini Urchin directly on the damaged weapon, and it’s torn free of the robot completely. The blow also flings GLORPNBORPWW onto its side again, where it remains.

Your winner, by knockout in 1:07, is Mini Urchin!

D-13 vs Stream Edge (Week 2)

Both bots rush out. Stream Edge reaches faster and meet D-13, which is going with the Thunderhead setup, but D-13's position forces a weapon to weapon encounter at an angle. D-13 gets thrown more due to it's traction, though the disc holds up well. As Stream Edge aggressively rushes at D-13 however, D-13 manages to turn before the hit, forcing the bar to hit the discagain. This repeats until Stream Edge's bar gets bent and destabilized, forcing it to use the other blade. But D-13 manages to hit it at an angle despite the Stream Edge's faster turning, throwing it away and delivering a devastating hit to the chassis. Despite of it's attempt to move, it struggles to do so as smoke starts to pour, with D-13 delivering a shoot to the wheel to make sure.

Winner: D-13 by KO (1:43)


Endless Clowns III vs Tidal Wave 2
this is how yall mfs look entering a robot with 6 configs

Both bots spin up, Tidal Wave is ready to go. But, uh... doesn't... staying in it's square. Clowns opts to pussyfoot around it's opponent for a bit. It squares up, almost dives in- but not quite. Not yet. The two bots play chicken with each other, waiting to see who goes for the aggro first.

After some amount of time, EC goes for it and slams it's bar right into the bottom of TW's drum support. OOOOH that one's gonna hurt folks. TW lands and flops over backward, before EC slaps TW on the ass with it's weapon again. A slap so powerful, in fact, that the entire fucking drum pops off. A few love taps later and you've got a dead Tidal Wave.

Endless Clowns wins by KO in 0:59.

Need for Spin vs. Krakatoa:

Hey, remember that drinking game from last round? Drink if Need for Spin hits the wall? Don’t try it again, you’ll die. Need for Spin’s up to speed very quickly, but Krakatoa books it across the arena and rams the melty, sending it careening into the wall once… twice… three, four times, and finally stops the spinner. It muscles it into the wall and tries to flip it up on its face, but can’t get the angle right and NFS flops back down again thanks to its curved front end. It’s able to yeet itself away into the middle of the arena again, but is soon chased down again. This time Krakatoa takes a big hit that sends it spinning around as well, and the plow looks like it’s twisted a little on its supports, and NFS buys itself enough time to reach top speed again.

Krakatoa comes in a bit more cautiously – another hit like that and their plow could get bent into the right track – and taps NFS, but that’s enough to pop the melty into the air. It comes down on top of Kraktoa’s plow and bounces off again, not quite hitting the wall. And that’s actually an unfavorable position, because it’s relatively close to both the wall and Krakatoa without the speed of a rebound to send it away to safety – until Krakatoa slams into it again, banking it off the wall twice and into the corner. This finally lets Krakatoa pin it again, and this time it succeeds in its quest to stack it up against the sidewall.

Your winner, by knockout in 2:18, is Krakatoa!

This Side Down vs The Thieving Magpie (Week 2)
This Side Down first starts cautiously while The Thieving Magpie tries to angle in. However, This Side Down still manages to turn head on and counter the attempt on one of it's forks, before wedging head on. The Side Down immediately pushes The Thieving Magpie before flipping it forward quickly, then gets back as The Thieving Magpie tries to self right, controlling it again with another flip. This Side Down keeps doing this, stuffing it against the wall and keeping it upside down. As The Thieving Magpie tries to self right again with one minute remaining, This Side Down already meets the flipper and flips too, almost sending The Thieving Magpie out, but it's right back in. The Thieving Magpie soon counters by successfully angling in and controlling This Side Down until the match is over, almost getting it out itself at one point too.

Judge's Decision
Damage: 3-2 This Side Down
Control: 3-2 This Side Down
Agression: 3-2 This Side Down
Winner: This Side Down by 9-6 Judge's Decision

Middleweight

Toasht vs The act of Being polite
I could give you the 3 paragraph rundown of how exactly Toasht slowly loses, or I could just say Toasht slowly loses. Apparently I’m of a succinct mind today because I’m just gonna say Toasht slowly loses.

To his credit he does do a pretty decent job of disrupting TABP and does score a few toaster slaps, but generally speaking it’s hard to get anything done when you’re running into an undercutter with a bunch of free corner damage hanging off the front of your robot

Aggression: 4-1 Toasht
Damage: 4-1 The act of Being Polite
Control: 3-2 The Act of Being Polite
Your winner, in a surprisingly close 8-7 decision, is The Act of Being Polite!

Upchuck vs GBJ 2
Whoopee, we have two basic looking control-bots with low-effort RPs that boil down to “get-under and do X thing to opponent”. There’s not much substance in this fight beyond “get under” and “flip”/”push”, but let’s get down to the box to see what happens anyway. At the very least, it shouldn’t be that boring. Hopefully, at least.

Anyways, both bots aggressively maneuver into a wedge-on-dustpan “collision”, both bots seeking to get under and seize the early initiative. It’s 2WD flat-on-2WD flat wedge fight, which means we have to flip a coin… and Upchuck gets under.. a bit. It fires, but it didn’t get under enough and the result is more akin to a flick than a full on flip. GBJ kinda spins away, and strafes away to get into optimal wedging position. Upchuck pursues, the two try to wedge each-other, and Upchuck slightly gets under again. Once more, he tries to flip, but he’s not deep enough in to get more than a flick. GBJ2 dances away once more, Upchuck runs after him and the whole thing repeats…..

Except this time, GBJ2 actually manages to get under a good amount! Tri, seizing the opportunity, makes a hard drive, and by hard I really mean hard. 3 torque + 7 speed means GBJ2 can ram pretty hard, and that’s what it does. It manages at least 2 rams before Upchuck is jostled loose, and we’re back to square one.

GBJ and Upchuck charge each other, and Upchuck gets under again, but this time manages to go in deep. The flipper fires, and up up up GBJ goes! It comes crashing down near the low wall of the arena. It’s a precarious position, and Tri is quick to recognize it. GBJ2 quickly strafes away, and Upchuck pursues. Tri is noticeably trying to reposition, but Upchuck isn’t giving GBJ2 a breath. At least 3 times, it nearly gets under, but clever strafing on the part of GBJ2 allows it to escape.
Eventually, a quick turn on the part of GBJ2 throws Upchuck off for a while, and Tri’s able to regain the initiative once more. It charges, and slides under Upchuck, delivering two solid rams and holding Upchuck in a pin for a decent while. Upchuck is able to escape, and the two bots charge each other one last time before the match ends. Now, let’s go see the JD…

Aggression: 4-1 Upchuck
Damage: 3-2 GBJ2
Control: 3-2 Upchuck

Upchuck wins by 10-5 JD

Poised and Narrow vs Vovoka III (Week 2)

Poised and Narrow first rushes in at Vovoka III, which is quicker and going head on. Poised and Narrow soon tries to angle in, but it's fork just almost slots before being quickly wedged by Vovoka III due to better wedge from the latter. It soon becomes a match where Vovoka III slams and control Poised and Narrow dominantly, while occasionally having Poised and Narrow hit by the killsaws. Then as 30 seconds remain, Poised and Narrow is able to free itself after Vovoka III has to release again due to the pin timer running out, before hitting Vovoka III at a lucky angle, flipping it over. Poised and Narrow then tries to attack again, managing to chain hits repeatedly. But before it can try to get it OOTA or prop Vovoka III, Vovoka III manages to recover at the last 10 seconds, and returns to controlling Poised and Narrow, shredding one of the latter's wheel at the killsaw as the match ends.

Judge's Decision:
Damage: 3-2 Vovoka III
Control: 4-1 Vovoka III
Agression: 3-2 Vovoka III
Winner: Vovoka III by 10-5 Judge's Decision

Chronic Jobber vs. Immolator:

We’ve got a veteran here: Chronic Jobber, a nasty undercutter which… yeah, kinda lives up to its name in the playoffs, but it’s spelled doom for more than one overconfident vertical spinner. Let’s see if Immolator has what it takes to withstand Jobber’s brutal attacks.

Both bots are spinning up, Immolator darts out of the square at first and goes for Jobber’s right side but backs off when it gets a disc pointed at its face and spends a while dancing around trying to get a hit at just the right angle – and eventually comes in and catches Jobber’s disc almost perfectly on the center of its wedge. It skips up into Immolator’s own disc, and Jobber gets a serious uppercut that sends it wobbling through the air. The impact knocks Immolator aside a good bit too, and with Jobber still upside-down the disc doesn’t hit the floor on landing.

Immolator’s undaunted, and slams into Jobber again, this time sending both bots spinning around like tops, and there’s some actual floor contact from Jobber, but the five-toothed disc doesn’t seem to bite in that well. There’s a gash in Immolator’s wedge now. Both weapons are still spinning – this time there’s another more tentative approach from Immolator – oh, and it works! Jobber hits high-up on the wedge, but it’s a glancing blow that doesn’t knock the vert away much but turns Jobber around, and Immolator seizes its chance! It plows straight into Chronic Jobber’s rear end, which would ordinarily be really bad news for a horizontal spinner, but Jobber does have that thick plastic rear “wedge,” and Immolator doesn’t hit hard enough to tear it off, although it does take a huge chunk out of it.
Jobber’s gotten away, though, and – oh, spins around with a devastating left hook as Immolator charges after it, catching the corner of the wedge and sending itself flying! This time it hits the floor a lot harder, but it looks like Immolator took the worst of that exchange! The wedge is missing a piece on the right front corner, and so’s the top cover!

After a couple more big hits Jobber delivers a big sideswipe to Immolator’s disc that seems to have jammed the weapon up, but Jobber’s also vibrating pretty badly. It’s almost immobile with the weapon spinning at full speed, but if turning the weapon off leaves it fighting a faster robot with supreme wedge supremacy, and the combination leaves Immolator as the dominant force for about a full minute, until it belches out some smoke while trying to get Jobber into the killsaws, and ends up limping around at the end of it.

...And we have a split decision!

Judges’ Decision:

Damage: Immolator 1 (1, 1, 2), Chronic Jobber 4 (4, 4, 3)
Aggression: Immolator 4 (4, 4, 4), Chronic Jobber 1 (1, 1, 1)
Control: Immolator 3 (3, 3, 4), Chronic Jobber 2 (2, 2, 1)

Your winner, by an 8-7 Judges’ Decision, is… Immolator? Bullshit! What the hell are those idiots smoking? I could judge a better match with my eyes closed! I – shit, is the mic still on? Well, turn the fucking thing off, goddamn-

Ritual vs Dragonfist (Week 2)

Ritual approaches the center is such a way cautiously, while Dragonfist tries to hit it. Soon, Ritual forces Dragonfist to graze the plow while moving slowly. It also tries to avoid getting the weapon arm hit, even as the flails hit all over the plow. Eventually, Dragonfist is thrown to one of the killsaws and popped up, destabilizing it. Ritual capitalizes by pushing it at full speed into the walls, though one of the flails clip the frame of the arm, but there's no serious damage. Once Ritual gets Dragonfist to the wall, it pins and starts sawing, leaving a cut, though not all the way, in the shell when it has to release. Dragonfist then tries to spin up again, but Ritual tanks the hit with it's plow and repeat the process. This keeps happening until 20 seconds remain, when Dragonfist's shell is covered with several cuts. But it recovers, and eventually gets the hit it wants when one of the flails smash into Ritual's arm, nearly tearing it at the bent point. But the resulting recoil causes Ritual to crash into the wall, snapping the arm. Dragonfist soon approaches again and bites a wheel, smashing it and making a hole in the chassis. The match then ends.

Judge's Decision:
Damage: 4-1 Dragonfist
Control: 3-2 Ritual
Agression: 4-1 Ritual
Winner: Ritual by 8-7 Judge's Decision

The Fast and the Grabber vs Disposal Unit
TFATG has 2 armor, and Disposal Unit has 13 weapon-power. For Disposal Unit to OHKO TFATG (via direct chassis shot), all he has to do is spin up to 8 weapon power. TFATG is fast, but:
1. Unless Pat is a cyborg with the driving skills of Paul Ventimiglia, he’s going to have to eat one moderate-to-full power hit, which he can’t survive.
2. TFATG is kinda long/unwieldy, which makes it easier for Disposal Unit to get that OHKO in.
I could go on a bit more(especially about how TFATG can’t even damage Disposal Unit), but I think everyone reading this gets the point. Disposal Unit OHKOs TFATG, and there ‘s nothing TFATG can really do to stop it.

Disposal Unit wins by KO, 0:22

Convict vs Hellcat
Hellcat starts with a box rush because literally what else would you do in hellcat's situation, while Convict moves away to fully spin up their weapon. This doesn't really help though, as when Convict tries to turn to face the box rush with a full speed weapon, they gryo up and Hellcat easily wedges under and lifts. and uh.. Convict kinda just goes over. Without the ass plow or whatever other wide plows Convict has it doesn't really have any way to prevent itself from doing that and it gets stuck upside down on its weapon and back (or is it front? idk) frame. The disc doesn't have enough torque itself to self-right or knock itself over on a wall and so Convict gets counted out.

Hellcat wins by KO in 0:41

Heavyweight

Night Slasher vs T-pose to Assert Dominance

Ya know HFL you gave all those configs nice letters and then just said “long forks” instead of the letter of it and I am unreasonably frustrated about this. So anyway the Instant regret boys have to cart out T-pose on two dollies because of the size of the thing while night slasher still looks like a normal robot.

Things start now. Night slasher and T-pose are both off to fast starts – HFL especially was interested in getting into his opponent’s face quickly, and does, shoving Night slasher about for a bit before the sawbot wiggles free. It’s notable that despite the powerful drivetrain T-pose has shown us, it seems to somewhat struggle to control its own sheer length. Turns out this point is pretty topical, seeing as how Night slasher just slid its way around the side of T-pose’s meme length forks.

It takes dylan a while to actually get some amount of value out of this event. At first we get an extended jostling for position as t-pose backs up, swings its body around, backs up some more, tries to strafe off to the side, darts forwards a bit, and finally ends up out of options and stuck in a corner with nowhere to go, which bodes well for Night slasher, who gets to slashing. It’s not night but I guess it’ll do.

Problem here is it’s kind of… impossible to pin T-pose entirely? Like he ain’t going anywhere but he’s still got enough wheel on the ground to keep messing up the sawing with his squirming. There’s some somewhat impressive cuts in the left fork I guess but generally speaking by the time the pin timer’s let up and NS backs off we’re still at square one.
T-pose’s position has gotten no less awkward though as HFL has to do a panicked j-hook/back up drift maneuver that looks sick as hell to get back at a range where his forks actually do their job, and this time manages to keep that range long enough to eventually get underneath Night Slasher again. He’s not cleanly under the front of NS because Dylan was trying to get in at an angle again, so the sawbot does have a wheel on the ground, but it’s just one so his attempts to escape are a bit more obvious – so this time NS eats wall for a bit before it wiggles free, forcing T-pose to back up so his opponent doesn’t get inside his range again.

They spar again, and this time Night Slasher is again successful, but t-pose is able to out-manuever him to freedom, in part thanks to NS’s right wheel losing grip for a half second. They reset, and T-pose is again able to eventually win out, and gets NS right near the wall before he spins off and escapes. This happens once more before time expires on a nail biter of a match.
Aggression: 3-2 Night Slasher
Damage: 3-2 Night Slasher
Control: 3-2 T-pose to assert dominance
Your winner, in a tight 8-7 decision, is Night Slasher!

The Big Spook vs ICR Speedwagon
The Big Spook instant-transmissions to ICR Speedwagon’s sides as soon as the fight starts, and starts shoving Speedwagon around the box. Gabe is planning on heavy-aggression to win, and it shows. Already, we have 5 wall slams courtesy of the Big Spook, and Gabe keeps going for more and more and more. Speedwagon is trying to adjust, but with -3 speed compared to Big Spook and -2 traction, it’s near impossible for him to control this fight. Thus, the pumpkin is able to dominate the matchup for the most part. Which means we get wall-slam after wall-slam after wall-slam. ICR Speedwagon can’t really do anything to stop it, even though it’s noticeably trying.

Things look like they might change when a poorly-aimed ram on the part of the Big Spook gives Speedwagon some leeway and a chance to properly orient itself. Big Spook, after facing back towards it’s flipper opponent, prepares to attack… and angles in again. Gabe can do so, and there’s no reason for him to go head on given that. Thus, we get more of what we’ve seen so far this match, aka “Pumpkin bullies flipper”. We hit 3 minutes, the fight finishes, and we go to see the lopsided decision:

Aggression: 5-0 The Big Spook
Damage: 3-2 The Big Spook
Control: 4-1 The Big Spook

The Big Spook wins by 12-3 JD

Tabor vs. Mania:

Sigh… It’s Tabor vs. a Clampbot, and you know that that means… suffering. If robot combat is a game of Rock Paper Scissors, this is basically the Paper vs. Paper matchup, where they just kind of… ineffectfually flap at each other.

All right, Mania’s got the better drivetrain here, and proves it fairly early on by getting a trip on Tabor’s plow and dragging it over the killsaws, but it’s not able to do that reliably. Tabor’s reach with the forks combined with Mania having a slow clamp mechanism is making it have a lot of trouble getting under, and a lot of trouble grabbing when it does get under. Meanwhile Tabor’s fast-moving weaponry’s letting it exploit quite a few openings, dipping away to the side and slipping under Mania’s corner wedges, then rolling it over sideways, and every time it’s flipped Mania is having serious trouble getting back up because Tabor is constantly in its way. Dare I say it, I think it might be time to… hang on, where are my sunglasses? Here we are…

Call Life Alert.
I’ll be playing the CSI Miami theme for the rest of the match so I don’t have to commentate. Just enjoy the two hundred pound metallic stag beetle sumo match going on in the arena. Oh, there we go, there’s another grab for Mania, and it’s dragging Tabor to the side of the arena… oh, I’m sorry, you just don’t have the reach, and Tabor’s able to breakdance its way free! So we get another forty-five seconds of this.

Judges’ Decision:

Damage: Tabor 3, Mania 2
Aggression: Tabor 3, Mania 2
Control: Tabor 4, Mania 1

Your winner, by a 10-5 Judges’ Decision, is Tabor!

X-Treme Pneumatix vs. Squee-Gee:

All right, very fan-based British machines in the arena here: Squee-G, based on the machine from the wildly popular tentacle hentai game series Splatoon which cleans up the fluids after -

Okaaaay, can we have Krakatoa and Red Dragon report to the arena entry line please? We were going to have one of the featherweights try to destroy a cheap RC car controlled by the audience for tonight’s special event, but after this unfortunate incident I think it’s best to just dispose of this entire stack of Tale of the Tape cards. And maybe Squee-G can make an example out of whoever wrote that card, because it’s got a very powerful horizontal spinner on the front there. Anyway I’ll be winging it for the next one because god knows what Xtreme Pneumatix’s card says. Uhh… Xtreme Pneumatix, based on Team Riptide’s borderline delusional refusal to admit that Robot Wars is over and the world has moved on.
Speaking of moving on, let’s get this match underway! Squee-G’s spinning up, and the fight begins pretty conventionally for a flipper vs. horizontal spinner bout, with XTP rushing in and trying to get that blade stopped so it can actually, y’know, use its weapon to do literally anything. This is proving a bit problematic as Squee-Gee’s really friggin wide and making it hit the wall is actually kind of tricky, but eventually XTP’s able to squeak under the corner where the blade has no reach – though not before getting some holes torn in its wedge. And Squee-G’s tipped sideways enough to high center it, letting Xtreme Pneumatix push it to the side of the arena. But it’s not going for the OOTA! Is the flipper not working? Or are they just adjust – oh, and it nudges Squee-G’s backside into the wall with surprising gentleness, and because the blade actually sticks out the back it creates an enormous shower of sparks and slowly grinds to a halt. But Squee-G’s not been knocked free. Xtreme Pneumatix backs off a little, apparently releasing it. Squee-G starts the weapon up again – oh, but not quickly enough, and Pneumatix was just looking for a better angle it seems like! It wedge it again, and flips! And Squee-G’s out of the ring! That was great driving by Xtreme Pneumatix, even if the thing looks like it’s older than some of our competitors.

Your winner, by OOTA in 1:06 is Xtreme Pneumatix!

Taskmaster V3 vs Death Metal (Week 2)

Taskmaster V3 opens with a box rush, but Death Metal goes perpendicular to it. Before Death Metal can swing the bar to hit the vulnerable side however, Taskmaster V3 reacts quickly and face Death Metal, deflecting the hit on the plow. Taskmaster V3 immediately tries to slam Death Metal into the wall, while carefully tanking tricks by Death Metal, like Tombstone spin. It soon manages to ram Death Metal into the wall with the bar hitting, knocking Death Metal away. Taskmaster V3 however returns to the offensive before it can respond and keeps repeating the process. During the last one minute, Death Metal, with it's weapon slightly weakened from the repeated rams, manages to score a lucky hit over the top of Taskmaster V3, which has it's plow scratched, slightly peeled on the corners, and few small holes. The hit takes out both front treads from Taskmaster V3. Still, it remains on the offensive even with reduced speed and turning. It gets another wall slam and pin, before releasing and then tanking another hit for a push into one of the killsaws, shredding a wheel from Death Metal. Still, Death Metal retalitaes by hitting one of the middle treads. Taskmaster V3 desperately tries to wall slam again, with it working, but then Death Metal gets a shot at the side, tearing a gash. The match then ends.

Judge's Decision:
Damage: 4-1 Death Metal
Control: 5-0 Taskmaster V3
Agression: 3-2 Taskmaster V3
Winner: Taskmaster V3 by 9-6 Judge's Decision

Cthulhu's Creation vs Midas 2 (Week 2)

First as it's a double FF, a coin toss is done. The match then starts and despite of it's poorer control and slightly less speed, Midas 2 is somehow able to slip around and avoid Cthulhu's Creation's forks, before angling in on one of the giant wedges. Midas 2 immediately uppercuts the unprotected bottom, bending it upward while leaving a hole. Midas 2 immediately hits one of the wheels afterward, disabling Cthulhu's Creation.

Winner: Midas 2 by FF KO (0:27)

Wedge Me Once vs Wasp
For the sake of keeping my sanity, I'm calling "Not Left" "Right"
So all three bots are hella speedy, so this'll be a fastpaced match. The cluster box rushes with the 2wd bot leading, while Wasp goes wide and attempts to dive back in towards Right. Left is kinda there though and wedges under Wasp since they have the lifter up. Since Wasp has some clearance on the sides, it simply drives off and continues to chase Right, eventually catching it, clamping down and driving it to a corner. The clamp isn't super solid but it works long enough to get Right to the corner. Wasp then backs up, quickly puts the lifter down and lifts up and over Right.
Now it wouldn't make much sense to have an inverted wedge on your bot if it couldn't also drive inverted, but there is pretty clearly nothing there to even represent wheels on it; as far as us writers can tell, its not invertable. So Right is upside down and out of the fight.
While they were doing this though, Left wedged them from behind and tried its best to shove wasp into the same corner. After the pin timer runs out though, Left has to let Wasp go, and with Right flipped it doesn't take long for Wasp to do a similar thing to Left for the double KO via inversion

Wasp wins by KO in 1:42

[Badnik96]

Week 3

(this post is a placeholder.)

Featherweight

Nikkousen vs SPINNERFOOD
Before the fight starts, it should be noted that SPINNERFOOD actually has 14 weapon instead of 15 due to it's flails. Anyway, SPINNERFOOD first tries to carefully maneuver it's move against Nikkousen as the latter rushes and tries to flip the former. However, SPINNERFOOD turns around to avoid an optimal flip and hit one of the bots, Hiryuu, with it's flails, dealing severe gashes to it's panel while also hitting the side. SPINNERFOOD is then flipped by Soryuu and the weakened Hiryuu, but it fortunately doesn't land on it's flat wheel. SPINNERFOOD then retaliates by hitting Hiryuu again, disabling the flipper as the flails also reach into it's internals, compromising it. Hiryuu is barely moving now when Soryuu gets another flip on SPINNERFOOD, which recovers again and finally kills Hiryuu. As smoke rises from it, SPINNERFOOD focuses on Soryuu, who is helpless as SPINNERFOOD rides up against it and hits everywhere, being eventually disabled in few hits too.

Winner: SPINNERFOOD by KO (1:35)

Galactic Terror vs. Window Cleaner
Galactic Terror is using an angled shell with flails on it. It wobbles a bit at the start, but once it gets up enough speed that the flails are taut that’s starting to look scary – but Window Cleaner charges headlong into it, despite GT trying to head off sideways. Galactic Terror wasn’t at full speed there, but still appears to have gotten the better of that exchanging, giving Window Cleaner a mighty smack that twirls it off to the side. It’s also used up its limited momentum though,

and Window Cleaner comes in to take advantage, getting smacked in the face by the flails again but making contact with GT’s shell with its undercutting blade, which is… not low enough! Boink! WC pops itself into the air a little, lands blade-first, and the weapon’s stopped. It’s not spinning back up either – ooh, and I think I see a belt on the arena floor. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present: trying to fight flail spinners when you’ve got a short horizontal weapon and no frontal armor.

This leaves WC using its back wedge, which is actually doing a decent job of dealing with GT’s flails right now because it’s pretty steep so despite there being stuff above the wedge that the flails could in theory ride up into it’s not actually happening. Galactic Terror’s having some trouble getting enough space to get up to full speed – but as it turns out it doesn’t need to, because eventually Water Closet makes a mistake and gets the ol’ reach around that caves in a wheel guard, letting Gran Turismo spin up at its leisure and hammer on the plow until WC stops moving.

Your winner, by knockout in 1:48, is Galactic Terror!

Mean Bean Machine vs Lockdown
Ok so Gulden decided figured this really great strategy to get under more often that consist of Mean Bean Machine getting under the actuated part of his wedge and lifting, letting the hinged jaws things on Lockdown fall and get under MBM's lifter. This works wonderfully, too bad that even after getting under, Lockdown is still getting pushed by V900's bot lol.
The fight boils down to either Lockdown getting under and then getting pushed into a wall or Mean Bean Machine getting under, where either Lockdown backs off repeatedly until reaching a wall for a pin or Noah gets a good clamp, then the lifting part does its thing and Lockdown gets a excursion around the arena and ultimately gets dropped off on top of the killsaws.

Judges’ Decision:

Damage: Mean Bean Machine 4, Lockdown 1
Aggression: Mean Bean Machine 3, Lockdown 2
Control: Mean Bean Machine 4, Lockdown 1

Leviathan vs PTS
Here’s a match involving a HUGE clone and a HS that doesn’t involve the former getting murdered by the latter, which is...nice I guess. The ensuing fight is a pseudo-slugfest: PTS (who starts in reverse) and Leviathan engage, and what happens is a nice, big crash between the two weapons….except Leviathan only has 13 weapon and PTS can’t deal any significant damage so all that happens is Leviathan gets YEETed and we’re back to square one. Leviathan goes again...and it fails again: the tribar of PTS is a bit too much for the incredibly slow HUGE clone to overcome effectively, who gets hurled once more. Really, for all the giant hits, that’s what this fight gets boiled down to: decently powerful spinners go at each other, clash, and deal no significant damage. Sure, the tribar setup on PTS looks a little-bit worn, and Levithan’s wheels are somewhat chipped, but both bots function about the same as they did when the fight began. The crowd’s excited and so are the viewers, but in actuality this fight was a whole lot of flashy, cool looking…..nothing. Anyways, let’s head down to the judges, see what they say.

Damage: How about no? (PTS: 3, Leviathan: 2)
Aggression: PTS: 3, Leviathan: 2
Control: PTS: 4, Leviathan: 1

PTS wins a 10-5 JD

Lightweight

Stream Edge vs Tidal Wave
Stream Edge tries to rush Tidal Wave and hit it's side, while Tidal Wave faces Stream Edge head on. Immediately, Stream Edge manages to get a purchase on the left shield, sending Tidal Wave spinning while the shield suffers severe damage. However, it's drum is still functional while Stream Edge is deflected. However, Stream Edge immediately zips in again and tries to hit Tidal Wave at the side again, but fortunately Tidal Wave is able to catch the blade with the drum. Both bots are sent away as Stream Edge got the worst of the exchange, with the weapons and drive slowing down. Tidal Wave takes advantage of this and strikes Stream Edge again by it's bar, flinging it again and compromising the bot further on landing. Tidal Wave finally seals the deal with a hit on one of the wheels, ripping it upward.

Winner: Tidal Wave by KO (1:29)

Duck Stab vs. The Thieving Magpie
All right, we’ve got a HUGE clone in the box, against Edgy Black Iron Awe. Duck Stab starts the blade and lurches out of its square, not going in much of a straight line. Magpie’s much quicker across the box, but is hesitant to engage that massive spinning bar head-on. It keeps going for the wheels, but it’s having trouble doing that without exposing its own sides. It almost gets under a wheel there, but a pivot maneuver from Duck Stab points the bar at it again – and there’s some nice sparks! Duck Stab is briefly airborne and rolls back a ways, but it doesn’t seem to have done much to TMP, just scraping against the sloped flipper. And TMP’s still after it, again going after the wheels. DS gyros a bit, TMP overshoots… Ole!

This is a battle of, how exactly the hell do you attack this thing as a flipper. What is there to flip? Just the wheels really, but TMP goes for just that, backing Duck Stab into the wall and sliding under one of the enormous wheels, and fires! But disaster strikes! Duck Stab’s wheel half slips, half rolls off the flipper, and while it gets tossed a bit it doesn’t take enough of the energy and Magpie ends up on its back! It has to self-right in a hurry, and – oh no, not quick enough! Duck Stab drives over it and carves into the baseplate, sending TMP skidding across the arena. There we go, it’s self-righted and it does seem to still be driving, but is that front wedge still touching the floor? Ooh, it smacks into a floor seam.
But the wedge not being that low turns out not to matter because, uhh, it’s a HUGE clone. And TMP’s going after the weapon now, and it is taking some hits but Duck Stab can’t get enough bite to flip it over. It takes a while, but it does eventually get the blade to stop, and starts awkwardly trying to maneuver it towards the OOTA area. Maybe… maybe… TMP goes for it! This time the flip is a bit more effective and TMP doesn’t flip itself, so it’s got that going for it at least. Duck Stab lands sideways with one wheel kind of hooked over the top of the low wall. It looks like it might be stuck – no, never mind, it thrashes the wheelie bar things against the wall and gets back down. TMP’s there with another flip, but just launches DS into a barrel roll.

Duck Stab gets the blade going again, and mostly keeps it going the rest of the match, and is able to get some nasty blows on the side panels of Magpie, one ripping an almost 4”-long gash into the armor. Even the flipper’s crooked and not coming down all the wall, and near the end of the match a small wheelie lets DS catch the edge with the blade, flinging the flipper onto its back again. And it looks like there’s some big ragged gashes in the underside as well, which would explain the apparent ground clearance issues. Magpie self-rights, but the white plate on the lip of the flipper has been nearly cut in half and peeled upward, and the entire arm looks a little U-shaped.

Judges’ Decision:

Damage: Duck Stab 5, Thieving Magpie 0
Aggression: Duck Stab 1, Thieving Magpie 4
Control: Duck Stab 1, Thieving Magpie 4

Your winner, by an 8-7 Judges’ Decision, is… The Thieving Magpie!

D-13 vs Metal 3
D-13 chooses its "thunderhead" config with the higher armor disc

The fight starts with both robots driving forwards while spinning up, it's hilarious seen both drivers trying and failing to drive in a straight line. After several seconds of this a hit finally happens, D-13 gets thrown back but that's nothing compared to Metal 3 that decided to slide all over the arena bouncing at pretty much every wall in the arena. After getting control over his bot back, Pat is surprised at seeing that his opponent very much is still alive, fully functional even.
The only thing left to do is to go for another big hit again, cue the repetition of everything that happened before, including the bad driving and eternal bouncing. Then just repeat this process again and again.
Eventually, after a big hit it looks like Metal 3's weapon came off-balance as the entire thing shakes heavily while still sliding all over the place. It hits a wall like this and that makes it bounce into the air in a even more chaotic manner, yes this does flip the bot and there is nothing Pat can do to get back upright.

Your winner, by KO in 1:43, is D-13!


Middleweight

FREE ICE CREAM vs Hellcat
Hellcat immediately darts in while FREE ICE CREAM tries to face and clamp it. It manages to do so at first, but Hellcat escapes and goes on the offensive again before FREE ICE CREAM can control it, only managing to get a miniscule hammer hit. Hellcat then angles in, forcing FREE ICE CREAM to face it, and the latter proceed to oversteer more, giving Hellcat the opening it wants. Wedging it, Hellcat immediately goes for a wall slam, before backing off and chasing FREE ICE CREAM as it tries to escape by strafing and continue it's aggression. Hellcat soon repeats the same tactic, but with a different driving approach, controlling FREE ICE CREAM once again and running it's wheels to a killsaw this time. This unpredictable approach from Hellcat and it's control of FREE ICE CREAM continues until the end, with the occasional outwedging by FREE ICE CREAM, which Hellcat is able to escape from all the time.

Judge's Decision:
Damage: 3-2 Hellcat
Control: 4-1 Hellcat
Agression: 3-2 Hellcat
Winner: Hellcat by 10-5 JD

Murderface vs. Killjoy
So, uhh, unfortunately this is pretty much just 3 minutes of Killjoy getting T-posed on. The plow’s mostly getting under some but not all of Killjoy’s hinged wedgelets, but Murderface is easily pushing it back, and even when Killjoy gets under, half the time the claw ends up between the pontoons of the U-shaped chassis, the other half it’s just poking holes through the front wedges of the pontoons, which I don’t think have much under them. Meanwhile, Killjoy’s getting yeeted all around the arena, and the tread comes off one wheel at one point which the killsaws may or may not have played some role in.

Judges! Judges, wake up!

Judges’ Decision:

Damage: Killjoy 2, Murderface 3
Aggression: Killjoy 1, Murderface 4
Control: Killjoy 1, Murderface 4

Your winner, by a 11-4 Judges’ Decision, is Murderface!


Heavyweight
Vertigo IV vs Avast!
Vertigo IV starts sideway and drive away from the side while getting up to speed, as Avast! walks into the center of the Arena while pointing to Vertigo IV. Vertigo IV then tries to approach and circle around Avast! as the latter points it's hammer to Vertigo IV. Soon, it manages to connect a hit to the right side of the wedge, denting it. However Vertigo IV is still able to go strong and eventually get under the side to connect a hit into Avast!, flipping it over. As it tries to self right, Vertigo IV chains more hits, tossing it around as Avast! flops it's hammer with Vertigo IV staying away from it, but as it gets back on it's feet, Vertigo IV would hit it again before it could recover. It keeps happening until Vertigo IV gets the OOTA it wants when it hits Avast! on the low wall, punting it out.

Winner: Vertigo IV by OOTA (1:28)

Akoben vs. Death Metal
Hoppin was too busy giving Laz 999 reasons to consume a phallus, so he missed the fight.

Death Metal wins by FF in 0:00

Nightshade vs. Night Slasher
Ahh, battle of the “same name and color scheme but totally different bots.” Let’s do this. Nightshade’s spinning up its weapon while keeping its rear end pointed at Night Slasher, and… actually keeps its rear end pointed at Night Slasher, and they lock horns. Nightshade’s forks go between Night Slasher’s but aren’t long enough and Night Slasher slips under its rear. Nightshade tries to lift it up but can’t do so with the wedges locked together, and it gets slammed into the arena wall. Its front wedgelets keep the bar from hitting, but the impact still jostles it… not quite free, it’s still wedged, but sideways no. Night Slasher brings the saw over halfway, then stops it and wiggles so it’s not gonna bring it down on the disc. It drops the saw – oh, but the lifter of Nightshade gets in the way. It rains aluminum shavings, but Shade doesn’t hold the lifter still long enough for Slasher to really cut into it, and it settles for backing off slightly and taking a chunk out of the frame rail before releasing the pin.

Now they’re after each other again – oh, and Shade gets underneath this time! It lifts Night Slasher and tips it back, but those thicc tires stay on the floor and Slasher just has to tap the sticks backward and it’s free – and it gets under Nightshade again before it can lower the lifter. Ooh, and this time cuts into the wheels! Rubber flies, but Nightshade eventually gets free once it’s shoved into the wall and its able to push its lifter against it.
This is pretty much all Night Slasher so far. Slim Shady just can’t get anything done with the lifter, and at one point actually gets the main cross-brace between the sides of the arm completely cut in half. It gives up on that and starts actually using the bar with, uhh, slightly more effect, but Night Slasher’s self-righting too quickly to let it get a good hit on stuff besides the plow, which is holding up really well. And there’s another slice into the top, and the lifter support rails, and Night Slasher’s getting right into the HDPE!

Nightshade holds on the full three minutes, but one side of the drive dies. The bot’s been carved up like a turkey, but the problem is despite the lack of any real top armor, most of the inner workings are covered by the top support structure for the disc and lifter which is beefy enough to be tricky to cut into and gets in the way of Night Slasher’s saw. But the wheels have taken so much abuse that the bot’s already low ground clearance is now basically zero, and at the end it’s pretty much just twitching.

Judges’ Decision:

Damage: Night Slasher 4, Nightshade 1
Aggression: Night Slasher 4, Nightshade 1
Control: Night Slasher 5, Nightshade 0

Your winner, by a 13-2 Judges’ Decision, is Night Slasher!