Write card time:
Biological Warfare Division
Nuclear Plague XL vs Incredible Dawg Adventure [HFL]
Nuclear Plague XL starts to spin up its drum and moves out of its starting square, but Incredible Dawg Adventure - BY GAWD IS THAT A BOX RUSH? I haven't seen one of those in ages! It just charges right across the arena, straight for Nuclear Plague! It pushes its lifter into the ground before impact, which would ordinarily make it fairly easy for Nuclear Plague to swerve out of the way, but either Nuclear Plague wasn't expecting such a fast charge or it was confident in its wedge, because it just takes it head-on. IDA's lifting plow gets underneath, and the force of the collision pretty much just throws Nuclear Plague into the air. It comes down sideways and nearly tips over, but ends up on its wheels. A few feet away, IDA piledrives itself into the spike strip with enough force to ripple the lexan.
This puts IDA with its back to its opponent, and Nuclear Plague tries to go for a hit on its wheels, but IDA backs away from the wall and squares up with its plow again. This time it doesn't have time to press it into the ground, though, and Nuclear Plague is able to slide underneath it and pop IDA into the air. It hits the wall, slides down, and lands beached on the spike strip. Its high ground clearance and the lifter let it get down safely, but as it does so NP gives it another smack, this time to the side of the wedge. It's tossed a full 540 degrees and lands upside-down. Nuclear Plague continues to give chase, and IDA has to, to put it bluntly, run away to self-right.
At this point Nuclear Plague seems to be on top, but its drum hasn't done any damage whatosever to the very durable plow of IDA. IDA also wastes no time in sliding said plow underneath Nuclear Plague's wedge again the next time the bots meet. It starts to raise the lifter, but Nuclear Plague manages to reverse off it. IDA backs off and lowers its plow, but in the meantime Nuclear Plague is trying to get to the side of IDA. IDA easily spins to face it, but again Nuclear Plague gets underneath it and pops it in the air as well as flipping it over. It tries to go for the now-exposed rear of the bot, but IDA brings the lifter around overhead, and now its wedge is actually the right way up facing backwards. After a bit of circling it gets underneath Nuclear Plague, and starts pushing it towards the pulverizer! Nuclear Plague spins away again, but IDA raises the lifter and the combination of the lift and the gyroscopic forces flip the drumbot over. Initially it faceplants, but the weapon kicks it onto its back. Now it's much harder for it to maneuver, but it manages to point its drum at IDA (now self-righted) again. IDA rams it, which rights Nuclear Plague, but leaves it facing backwards, and IDA just keeps coming, getting under the rear of Nuclear Plague and slamming it into the wedge wall at high speed!
Both bots go flying, both end up back on their wheels. There's a few more fairly inconsequential hits, but finally Nuclear Plague manages to get the followup hit it's looking for, smacking an inverted IDA in the underside as it self-rights! The drum tears a pair of diagonal gashes in the face of the pixelated dog on IDA's top plate, and removes the tread from its left front wheel. First real damage goes to Nuclear Plague. Incredible Dawg Adventure is undeterred, and continues with its strategy of charging Nuclear Plague. It gets underneath it again and flips it over, but again Nuclear Plague self-rights against its opponent's wedge. But then, Incredible Dawg adventure makes the mistake of pressing its lifter just a couple degrees too far. It gets under Nuclear Plague all right, but its chassis is tilted back far enough that the tips of its less heavily-armored lifter jaws peek out above the top of the plow, which means that they get fed straight into Nuclear Plague's drum.
Bang! The top jaw of Incredible Dawg Adventure flies back 180 degrees and ends up resting on top of the chassis, with the linkage ripped completely free of the cylinder. The lower jaw is shredded and bent way upward, and from the angle the ram can't be intact either. But Nuclear Plague's drum grinds against the torn panel and comes to a stop, and IDA slams it backwards into the wall drum. Nuclear Plague somersaults forward and ends up on top of IDA. IDA reverses, and its wheels toss Nuclear Plague off.
Incredible Dawg Adventure may not have been using its jaws, but that is major damage, and not just from the judges' perspective. The damaged lower jaw is now permanently in the path of Nuclear Plague's drum, but when IDA tries to flip itself over and use the plow backwards, the mangled upper jaw partially high-centers it and gets caught on seams in the arena floor. There's not much it can do besides ram, which it does despite getting the lower jaw even more shredded, but it finally pushes Nuclear Plague over the killsaws... and NP's drum stops! Two robots with severe damage to their weapons, with just twenty seconds left in the fight! It goes to the judges after some halfhearted shoving, and this one could be tricky to call. Both robots were very aggressive, both caused serious damage to each other, and both of their strategies kinda sorta worked.
Judges' Decision:
Damage: Incredible Dawg Adventure 3, Nuclear Plague XL 12
Aggression: Incredible Dawg Adventure 9, Nuclear Plague XL 6
Strategy: Incredible Dawg Adventure 8, Nuclear Plague XL 7
Your winner, by a 25-20 Judges' Decision, is Nuclear Plague XL!
Ikea's Guard Dog vs Valravn [<del>Wolf</del> V900]
Idk why w0lf flaked on writing this match, because it's pretty one-sided. Pressing lifter-wedge vs 4wd static wedge, man I wonder how this'll play out.
But yeah... to say things don't go in Valravn's favor is a gross understatement. This thing ends up visiting damn near ALL of the hazards in the arena. Pulverizer, wall drum, you name it. Been there, done that, didn't get the t-shirt but did get some nasty dents in the armor. Valvravn does a relatively good job of playing the defensive and j-hooking off when needed, but has no real way of taking control.
Wallslams, killsaw run-ins and pulverizer pulverizations do a number to Valravn's chassis as the match goes on, though. Those self-righting spikes get bent to all heck, with several of them ending up crooked by over 60 degrees. Ikea's Guard Dog accidentally rams into the wall spikes a couple of times like a total DUMBASS... but that's small beans compared to the several slices Valravn has. It's internals seems to start being whittled away from the various impacts as well, as some light smoke puffs out from between the plating. The drive seems a bit slow too, but it's definitely still able to move.
For now, at least. Things go from bad to worse when one of the wheels gets shredded up by a killsaw, thanks to IGD doing it's usual business. If it's mobility was mildly questionable before, it's a definite issue now. Another delivery to the wall knocks out a drive motor and beaches Valravn up onto the spikes. Seeing as it's unable to get off, a quick 10-count gets this match over and done with.
Ikea's Guard Dog wins by KO in 2:29
Neophyte Redglare vs Boring Brown Wedge [FF]
Sylandro bashes Boring Brown Wedge with a hammer an hour before the match, hence rendering it unfit to fight.
Neophyte Redglare wins by KO in -60:21
The Deliverer Division
Precise Saunter Mk.3 vs Stingray [FF]
Stingray transforms into a literal stingray and jabs PSm3 to death with it's stinger.
Stingray wins by KO in 0:05
Magica vs Chaotic Insurgency [V900]
Shoutout to both guys for not telling me what setups they're using. Let's assume that:
-Chaotic Insurgency is using it's non-plow setup
-Magica is using it's regular setup
Wedge fight time! CI tries his hardest to get the slip, but Magica is able to drift the, like, 2 degrees necessary to bypass CI's frontmost wedge. The lightweight hinged wedges easily flop up onto Magica's pressing plow wedge, which soon raises up and causes CI to tumble over. It tries to self-right, but Magica shoves it to the pulverizer and BAH GAWD KING! We're making robot pancakes tonight! The chassis receives some pretty significant dents in the dozen seconds CI takes to escape. The drive seems mostly undamaged, as it curves around back to the center of the arena. The turret is another story, making some rattling noises as it swivels around at a less-than-average speed. Magica tries this again but gets momentarily upended by CI's turret-fork, before getting lifted up about 45 degrees. Magica gets swung around all like "so long gay bowser" by the turret when Wolf tries to position it before sliding riiight into the saws. Minor gashing opens up on a couple of the treads in a drive-by sawing. While it doesn't cause an immediate KO like Wolf had hoped, it seems to slow Magica down a little bit. Back-and-forth shoving ensues between the two crippled robots, with CI mostly getting the upper hand as the match goes on (although it doesn't get any complete flips in) due in part to Magica's state and its angling becoming more predictable. CI winds up getting screwed over again by Magica. This time around, Magica musters up a half-decent wallslam. While it's visually impressive, not a lot of damage is truly done to CI. The Tazbot wannabe pushes itself off the wall and trips Magica up once again before the timer buzzes. Was that enough to convince the judges? Let's see!
Damage: 9-6 Magica
Aggression: 8-7 Chaotic Insurgency
Strategy: 8-7 Magica
Magica wins by judge's decision, 24-21
Glitch vs Sekhmet [Shaba]
Both bots start out of their respective squares, Sekhmet looking to be the slightly faster of the two. Sekhmet then begins to arc around Glitch, trying to get that good angle of attack. Glitch takes notices and takes up a more defensive stance, keeping that front facing Sekhmet. Sekhmet shows his aggression and goes in for the first hit. Glitch meets the impact with his weapon and the two VS's are flung away from each other. Sekhmet recovers first and moves in toward Glitch, who's knocked inverted. He's back on his wheels, but Sekhmet goes in for a hit just as Glitch is back upright. OH, there goes the whole right-front corner of Glitch! What a vicious hit and Sekhmet is going in for the kill, now! OHHH, and Glitch goes flying-and comes to a rest atop the wedge wall. And, it's smoking...and not moving. This match is OVER!
Your winner, by KO in 1:11, is Sekhmet!
----
Vomit Comet Division
Hati and Skroll vs Infrared [Shaba]
Both bots start up, Infrared approaches the center of the arena while Hati takes the lead and looks to meet IR, while Skoll spins up that powerful HS, while keeping behind Hati. Infrared is looking to get around Hati and attack the slower Skoll, but Hati looks to have a bit of a speed advantage and it's there, harassing IR. Infrared is meeting Hati with its back wedge, trying to get under. Neither of the two seem to be getting the upper hand over the other, and Skoll just hangs back, waiting. Infrared is the heavier robot, of course, but is clearly having trouble getting under Hati's wedge. After a few more seconds of Hati and Infrared's posturing, Hati manages to slip under IR's wedge and starts pushing IR towards Skoll, who has been waiting ever so patiently; wow, Hati must be running Ampflows, with that kind of pushing power!
Infrared does manage to back off of Hati's wedge and retreats somewhat to avoid any impact with Skoll's blade. Hati is back on the attack and is just not letting Infrared any chance of angling around it. There's one more minute left in this match and IR backs up a little-he looks like he's trying to trick Hati into guessing his path of attack. IR begins to lead wedge-first. Hati reacts to counter IR while Skoll remains behind Hati for protection. Both Hati and IR close in on each other. IR then veers to the right, away from where Skoll is. Hati reacts, but was not quite expecting IR to turn to the right. That miniscule hesitation causes Infrared to angle into Hati and catch its side under its rear wedge, with the lifting forks raising Hati further off the ground. Hati has nowhere to go now and Infrared starts pushing it towards Skoll. Skoll turns and tries to avoid commiting fratricide, but it's way too slow. IR plows Hati into it and even though Skoll's spinner isn't facing Hati, the impact causes the much lighter bot to swing around. Add gyroscopic forces to that, and Skoll's blades meet Hati's side. OUCH! Armor, along with a drive motor and a wheel, are ripped away from Hati. Skoll's weapon is stopped now, and IR goes for the kill....but there's the buzzer and this match is over! Let's see what the judges think.
Damage: 10-5 Infrared
Aggression: 8-7 H&S
Strategy: 8-7 Infrared
Your winner, by a 25-20 Judge's decision, is Infrared!
Doomerang 3 vs Tongue of the Fatman [Wolf]
Doomerang spins up almost immediately. Fatman shitcircles his way towards the saws. Doomerang nearly meets him there. Dylan sees the saws and says fuck that and goes around it in order to his those tiny juicy...uh...wedgelets? yeah Noah removed those. Fatman turns to keep the hit frontal. CLANG! Sparks, both robots getting sent backwards, but no damage.
Doomerang goes for another hit. Same result, except this time Fatman has a nice little scrape on his face. Another hit sends Doomerang partly on the wedge of Fatman. However, the wedge is pretty steep, so Badnik is able to turn those three wheels a bit to slide off. Just as he was doing so, Noah went for a flip. However, said flip didn't gain much purchase on the opponent. Doomerang gets flipped a decent amount, but not with the airtime we know and love, while Fatman sends itself upward and on it's back with the power of it's weapon. It attempts a self right, arching UP....and over.
By the time it does, Doomerang is already up to full speed and heading straight for TotF again. Two smacks on the front, but it just sends Doomerang upward a bit and away from the Fatman. Fatman makes a huge turn but Doomerang aims for that side, causing Doomerang to slide up and skip high in the air. Teeth hit the ground and then lands on it's back (or top?), with another missed flip by Fatman. The two continue to clash, with Doomerang getting next to no damage. However, Tongue of the Fatman is having trouble with having less mobility options and is having trouble getting a good flip in. Eventually the match ends with both bots looking just fine.
Aggression: 10-5 Doomerang
Damage: 8-7 Tongue of the Fatman (due to getting at least two decent flips compared to the itty bitty scratches on the flipper)
Strategy: 8-7 Doomerang
Your winner by 24-21 decision is Doomerang 3!
Tria Prima vs Dysprosinator [V900]
Ok so real talk, I don't even know what's going on with Dysprosinator's description. Apparently it can only go up but can ALSO go down? Lifters going in two directions you say? Now ain't that fancy like me grandma's jalopy!
That being said, both robots do their thing. Gabe lets Mercury sit behind his two minibots while Dys gets a pair of multibots aimed directly at it. Dys is more than fast enough to clamp down on at least one of them, and starts to bring it over to the killsaw. Unfortunately for TBR, this leaves him open for the other to swooce right in and peck at Dys' side. One of the treads gets lifted off the ground, giving Mercury the chance to come in and pop Dys up into the air. Salt spills out of Dys' mouth, landing on the ground with a resounding "thud" and accompanied by a few holes poked into Dys' side skirts. TBR goes right back after Salt to finish the job, and has a near-miss with Mercury while doing so. Sulphr tries to save Salt, but is both too late and too slow to do so. With Dys clamping back down on a minibot again, Salt pretty much gets instagibbed once put over one of the killsaws. Leaking LiPo juice turns to smoke, which turns into a small flame entirely caused by the friction of the sawblades. The same thing happens to Sulfur within the next half-minute, albeit with a wheel chewed in half instead of a battery-fire being started.
Before long, it's just Dys vs Mercury with 1:30 left on the clock. Dys tries to outwedge Mercury, but immediately gets sent back flying, this time making a noticeable gouge on the edge of the front skirt. What results after this are two competitors awkwardly trying to get the edge on one another, despite both having no way of actually dominating the opponent. Dys can't get under because of it's inherently inferior hinged wedge, Mercury has a real tough time trying to reliably KO a fast 12 armored brick. What I'm trying to say, is that the last half of the match is a total chore to get through. Especially for the fans! In fact, they start throwing tomatoes! Not metaphorical tomatoes, but it looks like they're locked and loaded! Exclamation! Both drivers get totally coated in watery tomato juice by the time the match is over. Let's go to the judges Bill.
Damage: 10-5 Dysprosinator
Aggression: 8-7 Dysprosinator
Strategy: 9-6 Tria Prima
Tomatoes: 15-0 Audience
Dysprosinator wins by a 24-21 judge's decision.
P.S. I have no idea if I'm spelling Dysprosinator's name right or not.
No Excuses Division
Dock Leaf 2 vs America Offline [V900]
BOX LOCKED LIGHTS ON FITE TIME!!!!1!11 Syl "angles in" and fires the weapon immediately or something dumb again, just like the last time America Offline fought a melty spinner. AO ends up getting swept a fair distance across the arena as a result. Some lads just never learn, huh? Second time proves to be the charm, however, as AO boxrushes Dock Leaf again at a much shorter distance. DL accumulates nicks and small dents on AO's front, but this hardly compares to what happens when AO plants a silver bullet-looking hammer into DL's top right as it tries to start spinning up. The hammer goes all the way in, effectively rendering DL's armor moot. Or rather, a lack of armor, given it's at 5 on a melty of all things. Either way, DL is up shit creek without a paddle while AO turns it into swiss cheese. DL tries to use the speed control and slide under AO's wedge to push it into some hazards, but does a sick-ass wheelie instead with that heavy hammer in the back being the main cause. A few more punches and the fight's over. GG no re
America Offline wins by KO in 0:49. 55% of Sylandro's victory is taken by the DemSoc-run Norwegian government as taxation.
Highland Fling vs Trial and Error [FF]
Trial and Error do something humorous to make Highland Fling lose instantly or something.
Trial and Error win by KO in 420:69
Death Metal vs Crosscut [HFL]
This is the one you've been waiting for folks, the "don't sit in the front row" fight. Death Metal and Crosscut, the two most powerful spinners in the competition, facing off!
Predictable, both bots get up to speed, and come out to meet each other somewhat tentatively. Not only do both bots have very powerful spinners, but they don't have much armor, so they really don't want to take a hit on anything but their own weapons. Actually, they don't want to get hit on their weapons either, particularly Death Metal, which has nonetheless put Crosscut on the defensive, circling and swooping around trying to get to the very exposed corners of its slower opponent. If Crosscut didn't have counterrotating discs canceling out the gyroscopic effect it would be in real trouble, but as it is it's able to keep the red disc pointed menacingly at its opponent.
Death Metal finally comes in at a slight angle, seeming to be heading for Crosscut's right side, but then the horizontal spinner veers right, pivoting its bar towards the much larger exposed area on its opponent's left side. Crosscut starts to turn, and OH MY LORD WHAT A HIT! Death Metal rips into the left front corner of Crosscut, but the impact spins both bots around and brings Death Metal's bar straight into Crosscut's disc. Parts spray across the arena, and both robots are sent flying, flipping and tumbling out of control until they slam into the wall! There's smoke! There's fire! There's someone yelling "BREACH!" Stop the match!
...and we're back, folks. The fire's out, and it turns out the arena breach was a false alarm. The half of Crosscut's red disc that separated from the robot didn't go through the wall, but it hit right between two lexan panels so hard that the support beam is visibly bent outward. There's also a foot-long gash in the floor where Crosscut's other disc hit the floor after it flipped over. The robots are pretty messed up too. One of Death Metal's teeth is missing, the entire bar is BENT, and the frame got twisted so badly that the bar actually chopped through one of its own support tubes. There seem to be welds broken other places too. The chain is AWOL (somebody check the slots the killsaws come out of), and during its mad tumbling one wheel hit the floor so hard that the drive motor came free of its shock mounts and is now resting on the arena floor, still connected to the robot by one wire. But the other wheel is still moving, and that's more than can be said for Crosscut. It's lying on its side in the corner. A huge chunk of its frame and shell have been practically vaporized, the red disc is broken in half, half of the support tower for the red disc has been severed, and the other half is twisted. There are pieces of drive motor and battery all over the arena, and it turns out that when you actually rip a LiPo in half it's pretty spectacular.
It's a good thing this was the last match of the day, because there are people taking an angle grinder to the arena wall right now, which means that'll take a while.
Oh, and your winner, by knockout in 3:00, is Death Metal. It's 3:00 because apparently the cease button doesn't stop the match timer, but I'm pretty sure the hit happened somewhere around 30 seconds in. Have a good night, RFN fans!