Here's da matches
<big><big><big>LW WB R2</big></big></big>
Venice Queen vs Eat Me Too
no way am I putting this shit up at the top of the post, lol. Scroll down and you'll see what I mean.
The Black Robot of Inle vs Kraktoa
box lock lites on robit fite time lesgo
Not unlike a fair amount of other matches, this one starts with both bots just ramming at each other like they're in some sort of rush to end the match ASAP or whatever. The fun part is when each bot comes within inches of each other. See, HFL plans on being a real SNEAKY BOY and juking to the side right before colliding with his opponent. Little did he know that Madman was planning the exact same thing, coming to a stop as Inle purposely veers 45 degrees to the side all like "sike gotcha- oh wait nevermind you got me instead".
This angle proves to be a rather compromising position, giving Krakatoa the perfect opportunity to slide right under and get a clamp in on Inle from the side. The top jaw avoids the drum entirely, despite it's rather large range. Up into the air Inle goes for a straight 30 seconds. Inle gets its ass blasted with flames harder than a rotisserie chicken in the middle of a forest fire. Completely within Krakatoa's grasp, but a quick OOTA isn't in the cards here from a 3-power clamp. The sustained heat racks up more judge's points than you can even imagine, but the flamethrower itself doesn't seem to be doing much damage as of yet. Krakatoa plops Inle down on the flipper and lets er rip. Inle goes flying as expected. Thankfully for it, however, HFL made sure to rev down the drum to avoid gyroing straight into the pit. On the other hand, Krakatoa veers straight back into the fray, swerving to the side as Inle swerves to the other side upon contact.
You know Yeti? That bot that
a certain lizardfucker said drove like the guy was mashing all the buttons on a fightstick while playing Street Fighter? That's more-or-less the kind of strategy Krakatoa's going for here. Full-on rushdown "ufbgiruiugvni ur ded kiddo eat a dick" kinda stuff. I guess he does standard "advanced techniques" like pressing a button to lower his wedge by a mystery amount and driving from (...wait for it...) a SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT ANGLE, but that's about it. Other than those things he's just yolo'ing it up out there, for better or worse. Inle is doing an alright job of holding it's own out there, boinking off of Krakatoa's lower jaw by mixing up it's driving strategy. One of Krakatoa's prongs is even bent to the side and incapable of getting under! Inle is putting some good warping on the opponent. That is, until it hits the wall. Not as in "it gets exhausted and craps out". It hits the actual side wall of the arena and gets trapped between that and Krakatoa, who's more than happy to lift it up with it's functional (albeit increasingly dented) prongs.
Out for another stroll both robots go. Fire noises go here, I'm not typing out whatever word vomit that translates to in text. There's basically nothing Inle can do other than spin it's wheels helplessly as Krakatoa places it back onto the flipper for another attempt at sending a robot to space. Things end up looking more like the Challenger as Inle thuds to the ground, a very faint grey haze emanating from the the victim. Oddly enough, the drum seems to have slowed significantly from that episode. Could this be from getting lit on fire for a whole minute straight? Who knows?! In either case, both robots keep bashing each other up until the last second. Inle's damage mostly lays under the armor in it's lightly-toasted electronics, and Krakatoa's clamp is definitely going to need some serious ironing out afterwards. Additionally, one of the flamethrowers has either run out of gas or gotten knocked off of Krakatoa's grid- along with it Madman's hopes of scoring a clean knockout. It'll almost certainly go to the judges. I'd be tempted to write some last-second "oh but then (bot) pulls a surprise maneuver on (opponent) to knock them out" kind of ending to the fight, but both the competitors have gimped enough weaponry for that not to be a possibility.
Judge's decision
Aggression: 10-5 Krakatoa
Damage: 8-7 Black Robot of Inle
Strategy: 8-7 Krakatoa
Krakatoa wins by a 25-20 judge's decision
Shade Fist vs Uptown Funk
So this starts with Shade Fist and Uptown Funk running directly at each other. UF tries to angle into SF's wedge, but there isn't exactly a whole lot to angle in on that isn't covered in drum. As such, Hii experiences what can only be descripted as "10k upvotes on /r/instantregret" and the right side of Uptown Funk's flipper gets slapped and scraped by Shade Fist's awfully middle-of-the-road drum. Nonetheless, UF will have to be more careful than that if it wants to win this fight.
Both bots are forced to wait it out for the other guy to make a mistake. SF is waiting for the opponent to ram face-first into the drum again, while UF is waiting for SF to gyro. SF decides to make the first move after a whopping 6 whole seconds and just drives toward UF. Now That's What I Call Quality Results. "The robot drives toward the other bot." Someone give me a Pulitzer prize.
It seems to work well enough, as SF's wedgelets slide right under the wide front and start doing some fairly noticable damage to UF's wedge, most notably the edge. Because oh man, the edge is starting to get all sorts of bent up. A few moments later, UF manages to get under the drum when SF makes the mistake of turning too quickly and gyroing for it. UF shoves SF around the arena, sending it for a ride on one of the arena's flippers. Shade Fist faceplants against the arena floor. Rattled, but mostly alright.
I do mean "rattled" in the literal sense, by the way. As in, one of it's drive motors got damaged ever-so-slightly by the impact. Not compromised, but it'll definitely need to have a quick look over in the pits after the match is over. That's a bridge to burn when Badnik gets to it, because UF is busy trying to get SF into the pit. The third and final(?) attempt almost nets some results, but SF just lands on the top of the wall and falls back into the arena. Falls back in... with one wheel on the ground. While it'd only take a second for SF to get itself back in action, UF rushes back in and takes another flip. Up and over the wall SF goes, just barely.
Uptown Funk wins by TKO in 1:44
Ververg vs Megaflare
Wooooo treadz fite. Pressing lifter(s) vs hinged wedge tells me this should be an easy win for w0lf, but let's see how things play out with each of their strategies.
Alright both bots get out of the gate, Megaflare's sitting by the flipper while w0lf forgets that this is robot combat and not NASCAR, since Ververg is just running laps around the arena to try and bait Megaflare away. Megaflare drives away from home base to try and bring down the crusher onto it's target, but Ververg is too busy running away (backwards, may I add). No way will that reflect well for it's aggression score.
Ververg makes another pass by Megaflare and then drives directly onto the flipper. On purpose. What the fuck is even going on? It gets popped straight into the air and lands back down.
Okay.
Megaflare is there to intercept, taking it by the side. Not a good position for Ververg to be in! The claw comes down and grabs the rear of Ververg's left tread. The drive mechanisms crumple like a tin can, and the tread itself is shot. The crusher raises up, and something's cooking! It's one of Ververg's drive motors burning out! That can't be good. The bot's been reduced to a smoking heap, but it's still running. Mostly. It can still use one half of it's drive, despite the ongoing flames underneath the hood. It just kinda limps along for the next minute of the match, before Megaflare finally manages to get another pinch in to finish the job.
Megaflare wins by KO in 1:47.
Venice Queen vs Eat Me Too (for real this time)
It takes a second for Eat Me Too to actually get out of it's starting square, but it manages to do so. Venice Queen's already zipping halfway across the arena when EMT starts to spin up. The hammer goes around once, twice, two-and-a-half-times, and then reaches full speed within a few milliseconds of VQ materializing within a close proximity of the spinning void.
Eat Me Too spins, Venice Queen waits.
Yep.
...
...
Everyone's expecting Brad to just stop in place and move literally anywhere else within the arena, but it's not happening. Trust me, I checked Brad's strategy and it's basically just "spin in place the entire match, lol".
Gabe didn't really include a failsafe for what happens if this sort of thing happens beyond "do this until it stops working". And this waiting IS working in that Venice Queen's 10 frontal armor isn't getting instagibbed by EMT's 15-speed thwack. So... I guess this literally goes on for the whole match. Good job guys.
Aggression: 15-no Eat Me Too
Damage: 7.5-7.5 Venice Queen
Strategy: 7.5-7.5 Eat Me Too
Eat Me Too wins by a 30-15 judges' decision.
<big><big><big>MW WB R2</big></big></big>
Ritual II vs Eye of Fury
The match starts, and Eye of Fury is driving... backwards?? at it's opponent. Bold move Cotton, let's see how it plays out.
The move plays out, and it doesn't really work all too well. The wheels drive up the wedge all fine and dandy, but then they caught caught on the weird claw-looking things on top of Ritual, thus preventing it from monstertrucking. Muscle memory kicks in and EoF activates it's weapon, which clacks against the ground a few times before the bot gets spun off of Ritual's wedge.
In an ironic twist of fate, Brad is now the one who's getting screwed over by his lack of a failsafe. You can pretty much imagine how the rest of the match plays out. EoF hits the wedge with his weapon, does a little bit of damage, tries backing up again, fails in doing so, hits the wedge, etc so on and so forth.
A few more intervals of this repeat itself before Ritual just flips Eye of Fury over and pushes it toward the floor flipper. Eye of Fury gets chucked like a sack of potatoes and bounces off of it's large wheels. Ritual isn't successful in either KOing nor pitting EoF, but it sure does a good job of pushing it around the entire match. The only real damage Ritual ends up sustaining by the end of the 3 minutes is that the front looks like someone riddled it with a BB gun.
Ritual II wins by JD, (arbitrary number)-(other arbitrary number). Let's go with 28-17 for this one.
Chernabog vs Eye of Newt
Well, this match won't last very long. If Chernabog bites the tire off of Eye of Newt, it's done. Likewise, if EoN hits Chern head on, it's also done.
So Chern rushes out, er, stomps out of the starting square and takes a the right-hand path of the arena. EoN does the same, heading to it's respective right. Unfortunately for the audience, this just results in the two bots going in totally opposite directions of each other. Wow.
But wait, it seems EoN did this on purpose! What a ruse. Chernabog backs up and goes the other way, but EoN has already gotten itself up to speed and is ready to LET ER RIP all over Chernabog's front wedge. Both bots collide and immediately ricochet off of each other thanks to EoN's fuck-you-up drum. It's phat wheels bounce the bot against the pit walls, gently rolling over to the flipper where it gets chucked up into the air. The next 10 seconds for EoN basically boil down to Madman waiting for his robot to stop spazzing out like a character model in one of those cruddy early access games on steam.
Oh yeah and Chernabog's wedge is all kinds of fucked up now, because good *luck* trying to get a razer-thin (geddit?) blade to bite the top of a cylinder.
At least there's a cool-looking series of slashes all in a row now. Chernabog tries again, but gets sliced up like prepackaged turkey slices when EoN decides to turn so much as 5 whole degrees. Smh tbh fam.
EoN wins by KO in something like 1:04 I think.
Mach Tornado vs Neophyte Redglare
Badnik basically heckles Sylandro like this:
https://youtu.be/KxQRf_GTl-c?t=29
Mach Tornado wins by "FORFEIT MY NIGGA" in 8:00.
Diablo Genesis vs Remi IV
Unlike his LW fight, w0lf decides not to "be a dumbass" here and charges straight for Remi, who's acting like a sitting duck in the corner. W0lf's expecting Remi to just run off for some kind of Yakity Sax chase scene or something, but he'll take this too. Instead, Diablo Genesis just rams in, and Remi's drum scratches up DG's wedge a bit as it bounces off and gets flipped over, leaning against the wall. The whole "sit there and be menacing" strategy sure makes your robot look tough, but falls apart if you can't actually defeat the opponent in a couple of hits. Such is the case with Remi, unless it can sneak a hit past the plow.
For the time being, though, that doesn't seem to be happening. DG pins Remi against the wall for the standard half-minute before needing to let go. Remi's inverted, and seems intent on standing her ground in the corner. DG, likewise, is more than happy to come back in for another flip. "Woosh." goes the flipper, unexcitedly. Remi gets another hit on the plow, but the damage still isn't amounting to much more than nicks and dents. DG proceeds to bully Remi around for about another 45 seconds down the side of the arena. They pass by the pit, but judging by how little height DG is launching Remi at, both opponents know that clearly won't be a factor.
Remi begins to mildly tear up one side of DG's plow with only 50 seconds left on the clock, and Hii's not feeling too good about his chances with the judges if this goes on for much longer. Remi finally begins to go on the aggressive in an 11th hour attempt to get a cheap blow. And it works! Kind of. Remi rides up the wedge and shears off the top of DG's plow, before DG flips Remi over with the weaker part of it's flipper in a frenzied panic. The recipient of said flip lands a follow-up near-miss on the flipper's frame. It's a glancing blow, but enough to seriously dent them up like cardboard tubes. Nonetheless, Remi lands on her back just like the large majority of the match. W0lf sees his heavily-armored plow getting cut up and decides to do what any reasonable driver would do- attack with a weaker part of his bot, of course! He opts to try and "clamp" the opponent with his flipper. This leads directly into his chassis nearly getting steamrolled by Remi's drum in the last 10 seconds of the fight. You dumbass. All you had to do was follow the damn train CJ. The innermost bar on his flipper prevents the bot from completely and utterly mangled, but it's still a pretty close call with some very noticeable holes on DG's chassis. Don't take my word for it, though. Let's go to the judges.
Aggression: 11-4 Diablo Genesis
Damage: 13-2 Remi IV
Strategy: 10-5 Diablo Genesis
Diablo Genesis wins by a 23-22 decision.
(and for the record, I wrote this particular result
before I lost to Remi IV in R4.
)
<big><big><big>LW LB R1</big></big></big>
Polkadot Spider vs Renka
Alright, hammerbot versus hammerbot. Let's GET IT.
Both bots do the thing. I'm not sure what "wolverine wedges" are- but if these lil shits on Polkadot Spider are supposed to be them, then they sure are thin and spindly. The competitors jockey for position. One bot zipping a few feet to try and trip up the other, the opponent reacts with a counter-strategy. They veer menacingly around each other. Oh boy, it sure is looking close right about now!!
...OK, we both know how this ends. Renka's heavy-ass wedge [joke about Renka being from a ecchi game series goes here] slides under Polkadot Spider's tiny forks and delivers the ol ratatat with her dual hammers. PS does tries to do the same with it's own hammer, but it can't reach Renka's chassis nor does it have the weapon power to win a DPS fight. Renka hits PS baby one more time and then Neon taps out. Spider goes "splat".
Renka wins by KO in 0:69.
"ow oof owie my exoskeleton" - polkadot spider probably
<big><big><big>MW LB R1</big></big></big>
Skeletor vs Nightmare of Chimera
Fun fact: Skeletor can acually do a slight amount of chassis damage to Nightmare of Chimera!
Not that it matters though, since Skeletor gets angled in on pretty much immediately, lol. The tiny center wedgelets that are seeming to
mysteriously suffer the same problem that Dysprosinator is having in R4 end up getting sidestepped by the Breaker Box clone. The wheels get lifted off the ground as a result of Skeletor having basically zilch for ground clearence, putting it at a serious disadvantage when getting bullied around by NoC's Mystery Weapon(tm). The rest of the match is pretty much just Skeletor getting mindlessly pushed around, occasionally ending up on the arena's piston-rams. Skeletor gets exactly one flip in the entire match. That's all. Just one. NoC's underside has the most subtle dent ever that you would never even notice unless it was pointed out. Skeletor randomly catches on fire right before the 3:00 is up idk
Aggression: 13-2 Nightmare of Chimera
Damage: 8-7 Skeletor
Strategy: 9-7 Nightmare of Chimera
Nightmare of Chimera wins by a 29-16 judges' decision.
Mimete vs Kid A
here's a video i found off a google search for "mimete":
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyoY4IGAtl8
mimete does that, mole starts foaming at the mouth and dies instantly from
porygon syndrome, lol gg loser git gud
dabbin on em
Meme-ete wins by KO in 4ubf3u9gfbr3uipgr3
Giving people a 2-day period to RP seems kinda suspect, so I'm going to extend the deadline for people to RP for
Loser's bracket round 2 to March 25th at 4PM EST. That, and because I don't want to write 10-12 results across multiple tournies again next week. :dirk: