My adventures with Mr Usman

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MadBull
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Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm

My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by MadBull » Wed Aug 06, 2014 7:28 am

Hello,

So, I received a letter of the personal assistant of former Egyptian dictator Hosni Mubarak the other day. He wants to do business with me. Seems legit.

I, Anton, am of course thrilled by this, and feel like sharing what my good friend Mr Usman and I have gone through the past few days.

It all started, like this.
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Attention: Friend,

I know this letter will come to you as a surprise knowing that we have
not meet each other face to face. My name are Ahmed Usman the personal
assistance to President Hosni Mubarak formal president of Egypt who
resigned from office after eighteen days of mass protects by the
people of Egypt.

My reason of contacting you is that I want to set up a business
venture oversea and I am looking for a trustworthy person that will
help me set up the business and I don?t want my name to be used in the
setting up of the business. And after my search for a credible and trust
worthy person to help me I decided to contact you.

Please kindly confirm your willingness to help me so that I will
forward all the details in respect to this project to you. Do reply to
my private email which is [withheld, I wouldn't want people to start spamming or scamming the kind Mr Usman]

Thanks and remain bless,

Ahmed Usman.[/quote]

OBVIOUSLY I was over the moon, so I replied
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Dear Mr Usman,

What a thrilling proposal, coming from the personal assistant of President Hosni Mubarak even. How is Mr Mubarak these days? He was all over the news some years ago, haven't heard anything from him in a while, I hope he's all right.

Regarding your proposal, your offer is tempting but of course it will depend on the exact nature of the business whether or not I will be able to put my heart and soul in it. My true passion are mahogany kitchens, I have had dreams of beautiful mahogany kitchens that were mine to trade, and I pray that you may be the one who is able to make these dreams come true. I have more passions though, so if you already have advanced plans that encompass something entirely different, don't hesitate to tell me about your passions. Remember, we can only make this work if we are both passionate about what we are dealing with, the way to success is through the heart&#33;

Will Mr Mubarak be involved in this?

I hope I will hear from you soon,

Anton [/quote]

Naturally, this rightfully made Mr Usman believe I am the right man for his job.
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Dear Anton,
Peace, mercy and blessings of Allah, Thanks very much for your
willingness to help me in this project, like I stated in my email to
you, I am personal assistance to President
Hosni Mubarak formal president of Egypt and during his 30 years tenure
in office I have served from one office to another and was later made
his personal assistance.

Be during the last eighteen days of office President Hosni Mubarak, he
called me personally and ask me to help him move the sum of Seven
Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US&#036;7.5M) only out
of the country, which I did through the help of a safety company out
side my country and the fund deposited on my name but all my way back
to my country, I was in the Cairo Airport when I had a news that
President Hosni Mubarak have resigned from office and at the same time
hand over power to the Army Chief since that time I have been trying
to reach the President Hosni Mubarak but could not reach him and my
effort to leave the country was stooped by the Present government as
travel ban was imposed on all the government officials who served
under the regime of President Hosni Mubarak and ask I speak to you now
the present government have started freezing all the bank account of
the formal President Hosni Mubarak and the government officials that
served under his government, also the present government has directed
that the security agent monitor our movements and calls.

Now, I want you to help me set up the business and also claim the
Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US&#036;7.5M)
from the safety company as my business associate. Note that every
necessary arrangement has been put in place with the safety company
for a hitch free transaction, also I have made arrangement with my
attorney whom is also been monitored to secure all the necessary legal
documents you need for this claim.

Finally, I want to assure you that this transaction is real and 100%
risk free. Do confirm your willingness to help me claim this fund from
the safety company so that I will forward the contact details of the
company to you.

May peace, God's mercy and blessings be upon you

Ahmed Usman[/quote]

Millions of Dollars, but what about them mahogany kitchens?
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Dear dear Mr Usman,

I thank you for passing Allah's blessings on to me. I am a bit ashamed to have to admit that my knowledge of Allah's teachings is limited, being raised by kung fu practicing monks myself. Could you be so kind to explain exactly what effect the blessings of Allah that you gave me will have for me and my loved ones?

Coming from you, I am sure they stand for something great, and I thank you for that. May the wisdom of Siddhartha Gautama shine upon you.

Your offer is great, fantastic, and I would love to work at your side. You do however ignore the actual nature of our future business, be it mahogany kitchens or otherwise. As I said, if we are to successfully work together, we must find a subject we are both passionate about. Passion is worth a lot to me, even more than the tempting sum of money you offer. I had a dream last night, still thrilled by the idea of doing business with you, I had a vision of a company called "Usman&Anton's Mahogany Kitchens". As a matter of fact, earlier today I have even been working on a logo. Exciting.

I hope I'll hear from you soon, we have to make this work.

Peace and love,

Anton[/quote]

Getting excited&#33;
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Dear Friend,

May the Almighty Allah Have mercy upon you and your family and peace
be upon you and your family, it glads my heart that you have decided
to help me claim this fund and invest it for me and i promise that you
will not regret your action.

My Friend, i want to assure you that this transaction is real, legal
and 100% risk free and also i have made every necessary arrangement
for a smooth transaction with the safety company, so be rest assured
that this transaction is real.

Now for you to claim this fund from the safety company i deposited the
fund you have to travel to the country where this company is located
in order to meet the officials of the safety company and sign all the
necessary documents in respect to the deposit after which the fund
will be handed over to you, Also i want to let you know that the
safety company in charge of this deposit is in United Kingdom.

Secondly, i want to let you know that my lawyer have started
processing the necessary documents you need for this claim and i will
forward them to you as soon as they are ready, for the many time i
will want you to send me your tel/fax number, contact address and a
copy of your passport to enable my lawyer finalize the documentation.

Note , i want to let you know that i have decided to give you 25% of
the total fund while you help me invest 70% into a profitable business
venture and the balance 5% will be set aside for expenses, so please
kindly forward the above information and confirm your willingness to
travel to Austria so that i will forward the contact details of the
Safety company to you.

Expecting your urgent response.

Ahmed Usman [/quote]

He only wants my phone number, address, passport, and my willingness to travel to Austria to go to a company based in the United Kingdom, this is shaping up to be a great deal&#33;
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Dear dear dear Mr Usman,

Words can not express how delightful it is to receive Allah's blessings for the second time in 2 days. May I ask when these blessings will take effect? I apologize for my unawareness regarding your religious customs but didn't the great Siddhartha Gautama himself once say that we are nothing but a product of our circumstances? Or, as he put it, " &#25105;&#20497;&#37117;&#19981;&#36942;&#26159;&#25105;&#20497;&#25104;&#38263;&#30340;&#29986;&#29289; ". Reading that quote gives me a lot of strength, I hope you can confirm it does the same to you.

Several things still need sorting out before I can commit myself to your cause. You still haven't touched upon the exact nature of your business together, but I can not stretch enough that a shared passion is what we will need to move forward. Please, observe this link, and tell me whether it moves you like it moves me or not http://www.houzz.com/mahogany-kitchen . A portfolio of beautiful mahogany kitchens like that, to me, is almost orgasmic. As I said, maybe our shared passion lies in something else entirely. I am a big fan of other things too, like kung fu and royal families, for example, and I would love to be a salesman of merchandise of both these topics. My point is, that we MUST find something we are both passionate about, before we can build something together.

If we get these details ironed out, travelling will not be an issue for me. I would travel to the end of the world and back in pursuit of my passion, going to a foreign company, even a British company for which I for incomprehensible reasons will have to travel to Austria, will not be a problem. We do, however, need to discuss these percentages before I commit myself to you. You offer me a mere 25%, even though so far I am the only one who has shown any efforts in setting up our business, coming up with good business ideas, designing the logo, looking for office space for the 2 of us... I think it would be only fair for me to get 50% of the sum, but by all means tell me if you wish to offer me something else, and I will take it into consideration.

Kind regards, peace and love,

Anton[/quote]

Mr Usman doesn't seem to love Mahogany the way I do :(
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Dear Anton,

Thanks very much for your response, first i want to let you know that being a live today is not by our power but the grace of Almighty Allah, Note our religion will bot differ us from achieving our common goal but what ever religion we practice God whom is Allah is what we all serve.

Now back to business, i have no problem is your idea of business so go ahead with your plan as you will be totally in charge of the investment and it will be of great profit to us if you invest in a Business you so much have passion on. As for the percentage, i have decided to give you 40% of the total sum while i take 60% so i believe this will be fair for both parties.

Thanks,

Ahmed Usman.[/quote]

Mr Usman doesn't seem to want to work with me :(
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Dear dear Mr Usman,

I appreciate very much you sharing your view on the world with me. My Buddhist upbringing means that I naturally feel I do not know the origin of the universe, be it at the hands of an almighty deity or otherwise, and that with or without Allah, it is up to us to end suffering. Those are the ways of the Buddhist. I am glad for you, however, that you find strength within Allah.

I am now a bit surprised by the way by the way you divided the money between me and you. I thought part of this was for a joint venture? Until now I believed that you and I would be starting a business together, "Usman & Anton's Mahogany Kitchens". I had even asked a friend of mine if he could find office space nearby for you and me, so that we could meet somewhere to discuss our business plans face to face, and set up a network and everything. You must understand that whilst my knowledge of mahogany kitchens is grand (it truly is, ask me anything), my knowledge of starting a business is limited, and I thought that you could cover that part utilizing your expertise as Mr Mubarak's personal assistant.

Could you please clear up how far our collaboration would go?

Very kind regards, peace and love,

Anton[/quote]

TO BE CONTINUED

NWOWWE
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My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by NWOWWE » Wed Aug 06, 2014 7:52 am

Pity... with that kind of starting capital, Mr. Usman is missing out on a grand opportunity.
Area51Escapee,Jan 30 2011 wrote:
Spatula,Jan 29 2011 wrote: I should go 3-1 this week but it'll probably be something like 0-4 or 0-5.
It sucks going 0-5. You lose all 4 of your bot fights for the week and you also lose at life.

MadBull
Posts: 2170
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm

My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by MadBull » Wed Aug 06, 2014 8:45 am

He replied&#33;
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Dear Anton,

Thanks very much for your quick response, first the reason why i ask you to handle this investment is because current i am not in your country and will have little knowledge about your country business environment, so you have to be in full charge of the investment until i am able to study and understand your country Economic status and environment.

Secondly, yes we are going into joint venture that is why i decide that you take 40% of the total sum and i will take 60% this same share will be our sharing formula on the profit that will be derive from the joint Venture, haven't said much i will advice you send me your full name, tel/fax number, contact address and a copy of your passport.

Thanks,

Ahmed Usman.[/quote]

I wrote back&#33;
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Dear Mr Usman,

Your words sound very very good.

Currently I am away on vacation though, and have lend my house, and telephone, to my close friend Mr Tittypoo (please don't mock his name, in my language it is a grand last name to have), a fellow member of my kitchen fanclub. He however does not share my passion with mahogany and prefers copper kitchens. For this reason I think it would not be wise to do business through my phone number or address just yet because information sent there will reach him, not me, whilst I am on my holiday. Unless of course the idea of "Usman&Tittypoo&Anton's Mahogany&Copper Kitchens" sounds appealing to you, in which case I will discuss the matter with Mr Tittypoo.

So yeah, tell me what you think, but if you don't like the sound of Mr Tittypoo and his copper kitchens, I think it would be wise to wait contacting my home address and phone number until I am back from my current holiday.

Furthermore, I will check with my wife, but I believe we do not own a passport either. Will have to apply for a new one before I can meet your requirements.

Kind regards, love, peace,

Anton
[/quote]

NWOWWE
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My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by NWOWWE » Wed Aug 06, 2014 9:01 am

Yeah I think Copper Kitchens are rather garish. :v:
Area51Escapee,Jan 30 2011 wrote:
Spatula,Jan 29 2011 wrote: I should go 3-1 this week but it'll probably be something like 0-4 or 0-5.
It sucks going 0-5. You lose all 4 of your bot fights for the week and you also lose at life.

MadBull
Posts: 2170
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm

My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by MadBull » Wed Aug 06, 2014 10:08 am

Just got a reply, an interesting twist, I have to mail a third party&#33;

And not a word about my concerns of mahogany vs copper, unlike from Josh just now, who I think hit the nail on the head.
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Dear Friend,

Thanks very much for your willingness to help me, All the same below
are the contact details of the security company.

COMPANY: MERCURY ASSETS MANAGEMENT United Kingdom
NAME OF DIRECTOR: REV FRANK TAYLOR
EMAIL: [withheld, I feel some of you may think this is spam and may harass the man, whilst it is obviously 100% genuine]

Please tell him that you are the Business Associate to Mr. Ahmed Usman
and that you want to claim the consignment Mr. Ahmed Usman deposited
with them that he should give you full details on how to claim the
consignment.

Contact him and get back to me.

Thanks,

Ahmed Usman.[/quote]

His financial assets manager is a reverend for crying out loud, how can he not be trustworthy?
WHAT SHOULD I DO NEXT?&#33; I feel uninspired right now.
Last edited by MadBull on Wed Aug 06, 2014 10:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

NWOWWE
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My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by NWOWWE » Wed Aug 06, 2014 10:22 am

<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>MadBull</dt><dd>Aug 6 2014, 10:08 AM</dd></dl><div>His financial assets manager is a reverend for crying out loud, how can he not be trustworthy?[/quote]Depends. What denomination is he? :v:
Area51Escapee,Jan 30 2011 wrote:
Spatula,Jan 29 2011 wrote: I should go 3-1 this week but it'll probably be something like 0-4 or 0-5.
It sucks going 0-5. You lose all 4 of your bot fights for the week and you also lose at life.

MadBull
Posts: 2170
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm

My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by MadBull » Wed Aug 06, 2014 11:00 am

Good point Josh&#33; I just sent this e-mail.
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Dear dear Mr Usman,

Thanks ever so much for your cooperation. I will get in touch with Reverend Frank Taylor. For me to approach him with as much dignity and respect as I can, can you tell me his denomination? I always take that into account when talking to a Reverend.

Kind regards, love, peace,

Anton[/quote]

MadBull
Posts: 2170
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm

My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by MadBull » Thu Aug 07, 2014 7:54 am

And the long awaited reply...
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Dear Anton,

Thanks very much for your response, yes Rev Frank Taylor is Reverend in JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES so you are advice to contact in as soon as you get this letter.

Thanks,

Ahmed Usman.[/quote]

NWOWWE
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My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by NWOWWE » Thu Aug 07, 2014 8:08 am

Yeah, those JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES people mean business&#33; Even Mr. Usman seems scared of them&#33; I get the feeling that if you delay in contacting him, poor Mr. Usman is going to be subjected to countless hours of Theological discussion&#33;
Area51Escapee,Jan 30 2011 wrote:
Spatula,Jan 29 2011 wrote: I should go 3-1 this week but it'll probably be something like 0-4 or 0-5.
It sucks going 0-5. You lose all 4 of your bot fights for the week and you also lose at life.

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GF93
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My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by GF93 » Thu Aug 07, 2014 8:35 am

<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>NWOWWE</dt><dd>Aug 7 2014, 08:08 AM</dd></dl><div>Yeah, those JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES people mean business&#33; Even Mr. Usman seems scared of them&#33; I get the feeling that if you delay in contacting him, poor Mr. Usman is going to be subjected to countless hours of Theological discussion&#33;[/quote]"PRAISE THE LORD, YOU UNREDEEMED MOTHERFUCKERS."
ICE³ ROBOTICS
"Tougher than a glacier, more might than an avalanche, more fury than a blizzard, and more burning passion than a volcano."

MadBull
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Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm

My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by MadBull » Thu Aug 07, 2014 8:38 am

Just sent this to the Reverend...
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Dear Reverend Frank Taylor of the Jehovah's Witnesses,

Jehovah's Witnesses is a millenarian restorationist Christian denomination with nontrinitarian beliefs distinct from mainstream Christianity. For those reasons alone, I have always had the utmost respect for Jehovah's Witnesses, despite my own upbringing by kung fu practising monks. Therefore, I feel honoured that Mr Ahmed Usman has asked me to do business with you.

I am Anton, the Business Associate to Mr Ahmed Usman. Mr Usman told me to contact you in order to claim the consignment deposited by the aforementioned Mr Usman, in order for us to start our new company, "Usman & Anton's Mahogany Kitchens". He even promised me 60% of the sum would go to me. This is like a dream coming true Mr Reverend Frank Taylor, let me tell you that.

I hope I'll here from you soon Reverend,

Amen[/quote]
... and in an interesting plot twist, the e-mail address Mr Usman provided me fails to work&#33; My theory is that because it had a FREAKING SPACE in it, but just to be sure, I shall mail Mr Osman now&#33;
Last edited by MadBull on Thu Aug 07, 2014 8:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

NWOWWE
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My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by NWOWWE » Thu Aug 07, 2014 8:39 am

Doubtless it was a simple error.
Area51Escapee,Jan 30 2011 wrote:
Spatula,Jan 29 2011 wrote: I should go 3-1 this week but it'll probably be something like 0-4 or 0-5.
It sucks going 0-5. You lose all 4 of your bot fights for the week and you also lose at life.

MadBull
Posts: 2170
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm

My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by MadBull » Thu Aug 07, 2014 8:43 am

Just sent this to Mr Usman&#33; It's not at all like him to give me wrong e-mail addresses&#33;
<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd>&nbsp;</dd></dl><div>Dear Mr Usman,

In a strange twist of fate, it turns out the e-mail address you provided me of Reverend Frank Taylor isn't working. You gave me [withheld because I bet you fuckers still think this may be fake] , I noticed there is a space in there, which is impossible in a correct e-mail address, could you please give me the correct one? Otherwise we'll never be selling them mahogany kitchens&#33;

Dear regards and love and peace,

Anton
[/quote]

NWOWWE
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Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm
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My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by NWOWWE » Thu Aug 07, 2014 8:46 am

<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>MadBull</dt><dd>Aug 7 2014, 08:43 AM</dd></dl><div>[withheld because I bet you fuckers still think this may be fake][/quote]I'm not sure where you got this low opinion of me Marti. :v:
Area51Escapee,Jan 30 2011 wrote:
Spatula,Jan 29 2011 wrote: I should go 3-1 this week but it'll probably be something like 0-4 or 0-5.
It sucks going 0-5. You lose all 4 of your bot fights for the week and you also lose at life.

MadBull
Posts: 2170
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 1969 7:00 pm

My adventures with Mr Usman

Post by MadBull » Thu Aug 07, 2014 8:49 am

<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>NWOWWE</dt><dd>Aug 7 2014, 08:46 AM</dd></dl><div><blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>MadBull</dt><dd>Aug 7 2014, 08:43 AM</dd></dl><div>[withheld because I bet you fuckers still think this may be fake][/quote]I'm not sure where you got this low opinion of me Marti. :v: [/quote]And even if you don't think it's fake I don't want you to run off with Mr Usman's e-mail address and then start a mahogany kitchen shop with him in my place&#33;

First time in my life I am actually trying to get in touch with a Jehovah's Witness, fuck me...

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