4 Things Nobody Tells You About Owning a Truck

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StarlessSoldier
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4 Things Nobody Tells You About Owning a Truck

Post by StarlessSoldier » Sat Jun 07, 2014 2:40 pm

I did some of these list humor posts a while back, and I figured I might as well start again.

I was bitten by the horsepower bug at a very young age and that drove me to exclusively owning sports cars through my late teens and early 20's. In Germany I frequently drove my 2006 Pontiac GTO in excess of 160 MPH. In those times I learned two important things: One, driving at that speed is fucking terrifying. One pebble can send you into a roll that you will not, under any circumstances, survive. Two, I enjoyed hard and quick acceleration much more than I enjoyed top speed. Once I came back to the states I started to want a truck for utility purposes, but I couldn't picture myself driving something that slow. However, I eventually discovered that modified Diesels could run 12 second quarter miles all day. I was sold. Three weeks later I brought home my first truck, a 2008 Ford F250 Super Duty. If that wasn't enough of a mouthful already, you can tack on FX4 (Ford's code for off-road submodels) and Powerstroke (Ford's word they use to pretend International doesn't build their diesel engines). I was extremely pleased, but I quickly learned that there are things nobody tells you owning a truck.

4: You accidentally started a moving company.

This one is the most well known and obvious problem of having a truck. Everyone who doesn't own a truck wants to use yours every time they need to move something. But it goes much deeper than that. I've had guys who own trucks just as big as mine try to go behind my back and volunteer my truck to move things or even have the audacity to ask me if they could use my truck WHILE STANDING NEXT TO THEIRS! Even someone asking for a ride becomes problematic when you're driving a truck. "But it's just a couple miles out of your way." is my favorite line. No one seems to understand that, depending on traffic conditions, a couple of miles out of your way could cost a truck owner as much as $20 in fuel.

3: Cost of ownership will bankrupt you.

I was very happy to see my insurance rates plummet when I changed from a sports car to a truck, but I soon learned I'd be paying a lot more in repairs. You see, trucks being as large as they are means their suspension, steering, tires, and anything else that moves is subject to way more abuse than a car. Factor in about 3 times the price for much larger replacement parts and you start losing money very quickly. If something on my GTO broke it was an afterthought. If something on my F250 breaks I have to alter my financial planning for the next 3 months. I had someone crash into my truck while it was parked a few months ago that did upwards of $6000 in damage. That much damage would have been a total loss on most cars, but on my much more expensive truck it barely made a dent. So now instead of a shiny new truck, I have a repaired truck with shitty resale value.

2: Where you see your pride and joy, everyone else sees a trash can.

This is easily the most annoying "truck guy" problem. On any given day when I leave work I can expect to find at least one piece of trash (usually more) in my bed. Soda bottles, cigarette butts, candy wrappers, you name it. I've even found whole bags of trash in my bed. It's like everyone sees it as a way to get rid of their trash in the laziest imaginable way while not "technically" littering. It's so ingrained in some people I've actually watched a guy open the tonneau cover on someone else's truck and put trash in it because there were no trucks with open beds near him. What really sucks is being in the military and catching someone doing it only to have them out rank you. There's no worse feeling than wanting to fucking scream at someone who is obviously doing something wrong but knowing they could legally punish you for it.

1: You WILL go off road and you WILL overestimate your abilities.

There are guys out there whose lives revolve around off roading and that's okay. I'm not an off roader at all. If you see me driving on dirt it's because there's some shit I want to get to and concrete doesn't go there. That being said... off roading just happens sometimes. My most recent experience occurred when one of my soldiers drove his truck into a river (he's not a smart man) and they didn't have anything powerful enough to pull him out. Since my truck has enough torque to pull a house off its foundation, they called me. The place he was stuck was far out in the woods but the trail was easy and mostly solid. On the way back however, my navigator took us on a wrong turn. We happened upon a huge mud hole and I said the phrase that has been the downfall of many truck owners before me: "I can make it." I couldn't. My truck made it about four feet in before helplessly sinking in 3 feet of water and another 2 feet of mud. If you don't know, getting an 8000 pound diesel truck stuck in mud is a whole different animal than getting something like a jeep stuck. It took two jeeps with winches to pull me out and one of them literally caught on fire while trying. The worst part of all this? I know it isn't the last time it'll happen.

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NFX
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4 Things Nobody Tells You About Owning a Truck

Post by NFX » Sat Jun 07, 2014 3:35 pm

I imagine the trash problem could be solved by adding electrified chicken wire over your tonneau or something like that. Anyone tries opening it, they will gain the consistency of Nutella.
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playzooki
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4 Things Nobody Tells You About Owning a Truck

Post by playzooki » Sat Jun 07, 2014 3:54 pm

y'know, i used to have a truck, but i never used to run into these things...





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succotash_54
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4 Things Nobody Tells You About Owning a Truck

Post by succotash_54 » Sat Jun 07, 2014 11:25 pm

Trying to write for Cracked, John?

StarlessSoldier
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4 Things Nobody Tells You About Owning a Truck

Post by StarlessSoldier » Sun Jun 08, 2014 2:36 pm

<blockquote class='quote_blockquote'><dl><dt>succotash_54</dt><dd>Jun 7 2014, 11:25 PM</dd></dl><div>Trying to write for Cracked, John?[/quote]I fucking love Cracked lol.

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